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Nomads (Haiku) by amanda_dcosta Wandering birds
Flying in the sky so high
Oh! Tell me where
Up the ladder:
The balls of Thor
Down the ladder:
Moving Out
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 6.4
Posted: February 1, 2006 11:54 PM PST; Last modified: February 2, 2006 12:31 AM PSTWeighted score: 5.166884 Overall Rank: 5039 Comments:
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Alchemy, some egs. from the link mentioned go like this....
mime lifting fog ............Jerry Kilbride, Sacremento and another,... meteor shower... a gentle wave wets our sandals ......Michael Dylan Welch, washington It doesn't look like we have to stick to the set rule. That's for Japanese.
It's not that it has to be 5-7-5 it's just that you should learn the most restrictive form so that you refine your skills of efficient writing. Much like Daniel-son in the Karate Kid did when he painted the fence. Fundimentals is all I was going for from you.
You will always get quibbles about 5-7-5 in a haiku here on poemranker unless you toe the line. Other are not so picky.
I see the birds as not really wandering, as you understand them, giving more than average credit to birds. Thats good.
Don't you think you should learn to cook before you start writing your own recipes?
Learing to cook means using what's in the fridge.
Wandering black birds
Flying in the blue sky so high, Pray, tell me whither Is this better? Anyway, wandering birds are those that you see flying around in the sky - esp. the crows, looking for food or carcas. They have no specific form or order. They are not migratory birds. I merely asked them where they were off to.
Line 2 has 8 beats. In the original it had the prescribed 7. "Whither" breaks the voice, I think.
I'd like to see you get the standard Haiku down right first before you mess too much with other forms. You're getting much closer.
There's no strict rules for writing haikus in English, as you'd all know if you ever read Kerouac instead of just pretending. Saying haikus are supposed to be 5-7-5 is just an easy way of saying you don't like this haiku.
That said, it's better if you try to write your haiku 5-7-5, amanda, as it's not a very difficult thing to do and if you don't, people are always going to wonder about you.
Tell me zodiac, is it technically wrong in the english style(other than the japanese) to write a haiku like the one I've written? I might not have written one on the 5-7-5 outline (actually my first one was), but I tried to convey my idea from the way i've written after reading quite a bit from the haiku sites. I've read some with just 11 syllables in it. I don't think that just because its not 5-7-5, its off track. Don't you agree with that.
Yes, I do. And no, it's not technically wrong. But I stand by what I said earlier: People who said this wasn't a proper haiku were really trying to say they simply didn't like this haiku very much. If it had been a superb haiku, no amount of syllables would have bothered them.
Then why don't they tell me the quality of the haiku isn't great. I'd appreciate that, rather than quibble on the format.
That's harder to say, and, well, we're not very brave, let's face it.
I'll go ahead and say, I don't think the quality of your haiku is very good. It's not very dense in information or original language use, which is the main challenge of haiku-writing and the measure of its success. We basically get that there are birds flying and someone wants to see them. In addition, flying and high and sky say essentially the same thing and are a tired rhyme. For an idea of what I'm talking about, here are some decent haiku I found online: EXAMPLE #1 Old black crow perched. A blur of smoke and silver, the moon in his beak. #2 Not your park pigeons, our West-crow: buff, foul-mouthed, he eyes my 'tato wedge. #3 Dog knew she was mad, cocked her head to windâs sweet song, her lips pursed ready. #4 Out my window, crows harry bald eagles from their troves, tin, bits of string. #5 My quiet love grows. Late night talk about dying - he still wants to live You see? You get whole stories, situations, layers of subtext. That's how haikus work. It's very difficult. Even these are not especially good. Anyway, that's the idea. Hope it helps.
Did you read my haiku? I'm noticing a pattern in them.
The tree of life or the ones zodiac posted above your comment?
Those can't be yours, he said they weren't up to the mark. Good night. I'm off to bed. It's 2:00 a.m. now. thank God it's saturday tomorrow.
No, just the "tree of life". The pattern was of birds being in haikus in general. Sleep tight.
I'm not a big fan of Kerouac's haikus. It doesn't matter, I think Ginsberg helped him right most of his best work anyway, that is when he wasn't blowing him.
Zodiac...As you can see, I have been trying my best to understand haikus and yes, thanks a lot for your FINALLY frank remark ( or is there more to it?)...ha ha. No offence!
I agree, I have to improve on my quality, but aren't I getting somewhere. Besides I've come across a phrase "In the kettle of tenderness the rain sweeps".... what could it most likely mean or imply. I've got quite a few ideas in my head, but I think I would go for a second opinion. Still no chance of chat?
I don't know what the rest of the context of the poem you got that from was but heres what you should do: Take the key words like "kettle" and "sweeps" and look them up for alternate definitions. Here's what I got. "In the glacial lake of tenderness the rain glides by swiftly." The glacial lake being a cold heart that's been melted(by tenderness) and the swift rain being to quickly weather the storms that life brings. But I'm probably way off.
In the kettle of tenderness the rain sweeps...... Its just an opening line for a poem. it's not in any poem. i'm merely taking it for mine. I've got something like this when I first read it. wasn't sure it it made any sense....
In the kettle of tenderness the rain sweeps God's Spirit flows and blessings heap One's heart now knows no sorrow. was thinking about this... and was tempted to open shut eye. good night and sweet dreams to you too..... I mean, after 10 hours?
Now this is real good and line 3 is the thoughts i would share when i see the same view.
V.good
Wow, Thanks Cadacus. I never thought you'd give anything over a 6 or a 7, seriously. And thanks for taking the time to read my previously posted poems. I'm curious, what made you read them?
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and some have a - afer the 2nd. line.
Are the birds wandering or flying?
'in the sky so high'...uhm...needs work.
Concept> birds, flying, "Oh tell me where" great ending to that concept, but add one necessary word, to make 5 syllables.
http://www.toyomasu.com/haiku/#howtowrit