| Re: Behind the veil by INTRANSIT |
1-Oct-03/1:12 AM |
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| Re: Behind the veil by INTRANSIT |
1-Oct-03/1:12 AM |
add another 4 lines with the same rhyme as the first 2 , end it with 2 non rhyme lines and you have thee a sonnet !
As a poem - deluxe - the last line kind of crackles not explodes apart from that a dine squirt of ink 8
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| Re: Love doggerel by thavimatola |
29-Sep-03/9:28 AM |
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| Re: body image by http://mulberryfairy |
29-Sep-03/9:27 AM |
Gotta tell you sweetie - love your work 9.
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| Re: Involunarily yours, by jacqui |
29-Sep-03/9:25 AM |
Line 2 is the type of line you need to use consistently. Line 6 is reader asphyxiation.
Your ever helpful Caducus x x x
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| Re: Involunarily yours, by jacqui |
29-Sep-03/9:23 AM |
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Loads of potential but messy - very messy. 5
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| Re: Mother by jacqui |
29-Sep-03/9:22 AM |
Not bad t'all.
Your problem though is line 1 ! its so cliched and by the time I got over it I had missed the following lines which are pretty good.
There's no shame in a 7
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| Re: Life on the Sidewalk (with superfluous vulgarisms) by ?-Dave_Mysterious-? |
29-Sep-03/9:20 AM |
Loved the opening.
It reminded me of a pimple rap rant. Thanks for cheering me up on this miserable monday. 8
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| Re: Junk by Bonehiss |
29-Sep-03/9:13 AM |
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lyric ? it could be if you get a chorus.
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| Re: a comment on War Grave by Caducus |
29-Sep-03/9:10 AM |
I watched 'The Thin Red Line' yesterday have u seen it? In Coventry we have a memorial park where you can buy hash or weed. Skaters love the steps and someone has spray painted goal posts so they can play soccer.
It's a fucked up world and that side of humanity disgusts me to the soul.
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| Re: a comment on War Grave by Caducus |
29-Sep-03/9:03 AM |
The feedback was useful - thanks. Stza 3, L3-4 now completely different as are lines 8/9.
Flow interruption blues now cured :-)
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| Re: When my poems go platinum by horus8 |
24-Sep-03/8:14 AM |
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3rd part disturbed me deliciously so. 9
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| Re: Manila by poetandknowit |
17-Sep-03/2:45 AM |
Ever heard of hitting a nail on its head?
rickshaws pedaling giddy tourists on goodwill jaunts
along the slithers and scattered patches of asphalt.
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| Re: Manila by poetandknowit |
17-Sep-03/2:44 AM |
I can picture you sitting there absorbing the sights and sounds that fuelled the mood so well expressed in this poem.
Yes, I absolutely love this.
(God its nice being nice aint it?) ^10^
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| Re: a comment on The Wooden Armchair Of Similar Dreams by Caducus |
30-Aug-03/8:09 AM |
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Easy dark, easy your turning into PAKI with those ha ha ha's.
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| Re: a comment on The Wooden Armchair Of Similar Dreams by Caducus |
30-Aug-03/7:56 AM |
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| Re: Trollop: A Married Mans Revenge by DreamerSupreme |
23-Aug-03/12:20 PM |
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Horus will love this. You just can't put the man down and he bleeds olive.
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| Re: What you know by INTRANSIT |
23-Aug-03/12:17 PM |
As always your writing intrigues. I had a problem with line 2 its a bit of a flow killer.
However the way you used lizard was good, though they tend to turret their eyes other than move due to their prey instict. The best for me was where you went with the message and your strength for me has always been that you have a strong beginning, middle, and end, a depth in words yet with a clarity of expression.
8
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| Re: a comment on Aphrodite (edited) by Caducus |
23-Aug-03/3:11 AM |
Horus : that was so kind of you.
With your permisson can i post it as 'Aphrodite (horus8 version)
You too have stuck to the story with a different twist and greek mythology is wicked don't you think.
line 3 is so cool as is 2/8/9/10 and the crescendo says a lot about fate and i can think of 3 or 4 metaphors for the last line.
Inspired.
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| Re: a comment on One Sided Love by Caducus |
22-Aug-03/3:34 PM |
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you helped big time (finger space)
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