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Junk (Free verse) by Bonehiss Gotta hurry to the deal
Gotta make it to the score
Gotta move on to the pinch
What the hell is all this for?
Gotta grab all that you can
Gotta stack it on the pile
Gotta watch your every move
And live in fear all the while.
Gotta stick right to the plan
Gotta watch out for the man
Gotta try hard not to feel
Any love that might be real.
Gotta fight for what is right
Gotta give it all your might
Gotta learn how to defend
All your junk until the end.
Up the ladder:
Lonely or alone?
Down the ladder:
Amelioration is only relative
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 2.3333333
Posted: December 20, 2002 12:38 PM PST; Last modified: September 28, 2003 11:44 PM PDTWeighted score: 4.6821256 Overall Rank: 12110 Comments:
[8]
Ranger @ 217.45.73.204
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20-Dec-02/1:48 PM
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Reply
Quite good-possibly better as a lyric?
don't let the man get his hands on your junk.
gotta love this piece, 'cuz you've got the funk
"and live in fear all the while" has stresses in the wrong places. "gotta learn to defend" is missing a syllable. and same with "all your junk 'til the end"--but that you can just make "until" and it's good to go. (btw, till is used in "to till a field"), the one you're wanting is the shortened form of "until". the apostrophe replaces the "un", and there's no need to add an l.
beyond that... nice, simple poem; with rhythm tweaks, I think this would be solid, and in any case is good to get out of the system. :)
A lovely consideration.
lyric ? it could be if you get a chorus.
You lack balls ,but I must add fuck would be a better option for you.
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