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Involunarily yours, (Free verse) by jacqui
want to fall now; breakdown in splintered grace. the splint on my heart has eroded,erased, with it's desperately hopeful gasps and their lackluster choke; arterian walls caked with the crystallizing ash of exhale. why won't my heart just fail? fuck my rib cage,unhallowed jail! inside my hell, i must await the precendented date for when fate's sinewy clasps and rusted scissors will cut and sever, and cease that involuntary trance-dance tremor of respiration. cave in the shredded walls of my heart, so of the patiently faithful religious hypocrisy, halting feeling all at once. pain falling rigid with that old Rigor Mortisey as soul sieves through, and my eternal drifting shade shall advance as the toll of my last quaking breadth reverberates it's last sorrowed echoes of the dripping, rigid cliffscape, flayed flesh, tissue, an muscle of my abandoned,prop-open thoracic cavity.


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Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
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Arithmetic Mean: 4.4
Weighted score: 4.9284782
Overall Rank: 9342
Posted: September 28, 2003 9:48 PM PDT; Last modified: September 28, 2003 9:48 PM PDT
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Comments:
[n/a] jacqui @ 168.122.237.41 | 28-Sep-03/10:02 PM | Reply
how can you honestly give it one at least give me feedback
[5] Caducus @ 62.105.119.105 | 29-Sep-03/9:23 AM | Reply
Loads of potential but messy - very messy. 5
[5] Caducus @ 62.105.119.105 | 29-Sep-03/9:25 AM | Reply
Line 2 is the type of line you need to use consistently. Line 6 is reader asphyxiation.

Your ever helpful Caducus x x x
[6] http://mulberryfairy @ 216.195.146.100 | 29-Sep-03/10:44 AM | Reply
There are a few errors in there, unless you wrote them on purpose. Anyway, I assume the title is supposed to be "Involuntarily Yours", breadth= breath, and I would say "propped-open" instead of prop-open because prop-open sounds like a verb, when it seems that you'd prefer an adjective there. I liked this line: "fuck my rib cage,unhallowed jail!"
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