| Re: Painting by Art Glocken |
27-Dec-20/4:53 PM |
a point (needs the space).
Yes!
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| Re: The train by Art Glocken |
27-Dec-20/4:52 PM |
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| Re: Morning Conversation by lexicon |
27-Dec-20/4:50 PM |
Smoother: she wakes; she asks nobody;-
this is cute! I like the last line.
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| Re: Cant sleep, clown will eat me.(A poem about clowns) by lunar |
27-Dec-20/4:48 PM |
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| Re: purple by youngweirdo |
27-Dec-20/4:47 PM |
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Furple is the name of a purple paint: Furple purple-!
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| Re: me, Deep-as-a-puddle and the elusive connection by lunar |
27-Dec-20/4:46 PM |
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| Re: ''*Night*'' by youngweirdo |
27-Dec-20/4:45 PM |
I really like the last 2 lines:
"And it's all in the night/ When the wind is cold."
Could not really make sense out of: "A mist seeps down and sweeps people up"
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| Re: Surface Damage by un4208 |
27-Dec-20/4:43 PM |
swallow my pain
I bet you ARE special! You get to ride the little yellow schoolbus...
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| Re: Caged World by deep-as-a-puddle |
27-Dec-20/4:37 PM |
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| Re: Our Sweet Lady Lispalot by lunar |
27-Dec-20/4:35 PM |
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| Re: Mississipi Murder by scitz |
27-Dec-20/4:33 PM |
A child's scream OR children's screams (both plural)- "their own creed"-
some strong emotion captured, but not all lines are equal to the task. "a dead brother will hold you tight"- worth reworking. "tomorrow's generation" - "aren't"- Some people on this web site object to being told corrections, saying these are rough drafts. Rough drafts are fine- the corrections offered can help with the next draft.
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| Re: Danuta by deep-as-a-puddle |
27-Dec-20/4:28 PM |
world's ; to lose (not loose);
sounds stiff: "so the blossoming of the flowers must soon begin"- spring's meadows
--Liked the last 2 lines!
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| Re: Until by lunar |
27-Dec-20/4:23 PM |
farest- you mean farthest? galexy- galaxy
cliche- reword it?: like sand through your fingers
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| Re: **The Therapist** by scitz |
27-Dec-20/4:16 PM |
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liked the point of the poem.
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| Re: Skin, Bone, Flesh & Blood by scitz |
27-Dec-20/4:15 PM |
You move from "I" to "you" - I recommend keeping the same point of view throughout the whole poem. some poor lines: 'Every barrier I had, you went right through it"
_forcing lines that are not correct grammar just to get the rhyme is not useful: as in "you have forgot"-"will sin the stone". Hope this is useful.
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| Re: Movie Stars And White Trash Weddings by scitz |
27-Dec-20/4:05 PM |
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| Re: C a n u t e by Mr Pig |
27-Dec-20/4:04 PM |
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canescent moon? having grey or white down? Did not fit, to me. Loved the lines: "I will drown like the Egyptians/ For the weight of water/ Is lighter than this burden of lost love." Gorgeous! Not clear why sands would be called "blasphemous"- Think in to should be "into"- Sounds like she committed suicide? Not sure. Or was drowned accidentally? And you want her to come back- so you can drown together? I get the allusions to Passover- when the Israelites fled Egypt but then the Egyptians chasing them drowned-- and is the "8 nights" a reference to the eight nights of Chanukkah? Why mix two different holidays? Might recommend using 10 to reference the 10 plagues supposedly visited on the Egyptians. Perhaps!
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| Re: The Grave (thanks to z) by Mr Pig |
27-Dec-20/3:54 PM |
poorly said: "fragrant colors are riot near"
I most enjoyed the first 2 stanzas and the last one.
The poem captures strong emotion.
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| Re: The Mcdonald Haikus by scitz |
27-Dec-20/3:48 PM |
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enjoyed the first 2 haiku; the last one not as good
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| Re: I did not have sexual relations with that woman by scitz |
27-Dec-20/3:47 PM |
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Like the double entendre of "come and go"
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