on Prayer by amanda_dcosta
17 Sep 2006, 3:43 AM
what did He say? what did He say? as the introduction to a series i could see this poem working, but i don't think it stands on its own.
on some deleted poem
17 Sep 2006, 3:49 AM
i like the deadpan sarcasm here; this reads like a parody of a newspaper obituary. not sure if everyone will read it that way, but i came away with a distinct feeling of sharing the character's experience. powerful stuff.
on don't touch me 2 by elderking
17 Sep 2006, 4:03 AM
deepest pockets sounds forced. i think willful hand needs to be plural. the rest works pretty well i think.
on Farewell, Kind Lover by Dovina
17 Sep 2006, 4:15 AM
read this once yesterday and again today. brave sprouts i love.
on To be alive by nightowl
17 Sep 2006, 4:18 AM
hmm... couplets, hallmark style. on first glance it seems a bit childish as a composition, but i like the easy rhyme within and the half rhyme at the end.
on When I look inside my heart by Engelbert Humpalot
17 Sep 2006, 4:23 AM
ieeeeeewwwwwwwww...... this transitions from concept poem to gross-out comedy. really it's two different pieces.
i think you should have stopped at "Anybody wanna suck?"
i think you should have stopped at "Anybody wanna suck?"
on Flea poem by Sing4Jesus!
17 Sep 2006, 4:28 AM
boom boom whap! boom boom whap! boom boom whap! FUCKING boom boom whap!! Jesus FUCKING loves you! whoo!
cute.
cute.
on some deleted poem
17 Sep 2006, 3:55 AM
as a firm devotee of fortune-cookie poetry, i thoroughly enjoyed this. i like a lot how you alternate between the physical and the philosophical, finally ending on the physical. well done.
on some deleted poem
17 Sep 2006, 4:01 AM
after first reading the re-done version (blue on black), i can really see now the process of how you tightened this piece up. with minor adjustments you've made major improvements, imho.
on some deleted poem
17 Sep 2006, 4:54 PM
this looks pretty random, or like a workshop exercise. lots of big words make this poem feel very antiseptic.
on Musical Buttocks - Cha cha cha by Edna Sweetlove
19 Sep 2006, 6:21 PM
first stanza is super. second is pointlessly gratuitous, especially the self-mention.
on some deleted poem
21 Sep 2006, 8:06 PM
i like this very much. at first i accidentally read the first line as the title and the second line as the first. i think it would be even better than it is if that were in fact the case.
remember 7th street in the rain (without the first remember me) would be a much stronger beginning. likewise, the last stanza doesn't need the line "please remember" - the repetition does nothing for this poem in either case. otherwise, abosulutely wonderful.
remember 7th street in the rain (without the first remember me) would be a much stronger beginning. likewise, the last stanza doesn't need the line "please remember" - the repetition does nothing for this poem in either case. otherwise, abosulutely wonderful.
on a fresh start by *.*ReAdY To SnAp.*.
23 Sep 2006, 9:26 AM
instead of just telling people about the feelings, it might be helpful to try to show through concrete images how those feelings manifest themselves. right now the words are so completely vague i can't find anything to latch onto.
on Attention, This Just In by thepinkbunnyofdoom
24 Sep 2006, 6:33 PM
funny that someone mentioned rap. i'd really like to hear how this fits a beat and groove. and if it doesn't, change it so it does. for example, "you can go ahead and sound the alarm" could be shortened to "go n' sound the alarm." just an example.
on The Dovina Memorial Bike Lane by Dovina
24 Sep 2006, 6:21 PM
damn right! if i were you i'd rework the line breaks to emphasize more verbs. "abused" is buried in the middle of a line when it needed to be front and center. i think you captured here something we all sometimes wish we could do: pull all the politicians out of their chairs, shake them violently and talk some sense, dammit!
on Pain by PoeticJustice
24 Sep 2006, 6:29 PM
a homocidal arsonist poem? maybe you're just too far ahead of me, but i'm having trouble taking something meaningful from it. i know you have an endrhyme scheme that you feel you need to follow, but before it rhymes this has to bring something more evocative. don't tell about the anger. show it.
love, from above? i know you're constrained by the sonnet form, but if i were you i'd scrap the last two lines and write something completely different. it almost sounds as if you just ran out of things to say and regressed to the least common denominator. push yourself!
jumping off buildings
Just to part the crowd
i like this. because of the cliche first and third lines i think some people may give up on this poem prematurely, but i like the feeling in the last few. as a poem on the subject of suicide, i guess it can't help being a bit over the top, so to speak. consider a different beginning, but keep the end.
Just to part the crowd
i like this. because of the cliche first and third lines i think some people may give up on this poem prematurely, but i like the feeling in the last few. as a poem on the subject of suicide, i guess it can't help being a bit over the top, so to speak. consider a different beginning, but keep the end.
"barely soothed by the cheap malta flowin through my junkie veins" is definitely a line to keep. some tightening up might be called for, but i like the flow here a lot.