clever! very tight writing and good depth, even on a well-worn path.

i like the sentiment a lot, and i agree with the main points. But somehow the poem itself really doesn't move me. needs some sort of concrete imagery to give the invective grounding. worry not though, this is just one lunatic's opinion.

i don't get it.

i liked the recurring "lay low" to begin stanzas. it seems to me that refrain was abandoned far too early in the poem, which turns into a loose stream-of-consciousness type rant without a focal point. this seems to be going somewhere good, but right now there's just no focus.

overall i like this.

i wonder how many readers understand the historical significance here. this is very well thought out. my suggestion would be to have liner notes like eliot, explaining the references.

you could have done SO much more with this.

repost this in "limerick"

umm, ok.

i love this except the last line of the second to last stanza and first line of the last. i was really pining to see the poem close where it opened - if i may be so bold:

"tear down the foundations of my Rose Bowl!"
O Daughter of Disneyland, doomed to destruction,

i like this even more for knowing its background.

i somehow have the sense that i've seen this form before. or maybe it's just a bit similar to other forms. in any case the repetition works very well. the topic is a little on the cutesy side, but it's blunt, tight and well-addressed. one may criticize the poem as insensitive to the issues dealt with by the obese, but anyone who can't figure out the point probably needs hooked on phonics.

i love the way you construct the stanzas; it feels very natural as endrhymes go. i do agree with your own comment about a dearth of metaphor, but that doesn't detract much.

i'm not seeing much beyond the biblical story here, though i like the cadence. the meter of this is interesting; every second verse is 4-3-4-3 and the others are mostly all 4's. is there a reason for this? in the first stanza i think the second line has to go, too much tell and not enough show. i like the last stanza the most.

hah, wet dreams as in water, fetishy. pale ghost seems in the wrong place in its line. funny how the first and last stanzas are like couplets while the rest is rife with internal rhyme.

seems a bit distant. i like the form and flow, but i don't get any depth of feel for the object of the poem. it might help to expound upon some of her physical features.

this is blank verse, isn't it? the title reads like the title of a painting, which leaves me wondering whether there's a real painting behind the poem. on completion of my first read it made me chuckle. in my estimation the phrase "made all-one" in line 12 should be eliminated. the meaning is already implicit, and the line would have so much more "oomph" without.

Pie!

i like this as a concept poem. feels like more is needed though.

clever language. this poem is tightly constructed, which makes me wonder more about the subject. i feel the first 8 lines are very strong, but something more solid is needed within the last 4, to complete the chain, as it were.

i like the use of rubber as a verb, and the last two lines. knowing that hollow ears would only see words seems incomplete to me, like it wants a grounding image to connect the middle of the poem and its end. perhaps something about a skyscraper and airplanes?