Re: a comment on husk [hai-crete] by lmp	20-Jun-07/3:27 PM
"bro ken" is broken. hence [hai-crete] in the title.
Re: The One I Threw Back by drnick	19-Jun-07/12:22 PM
i'll comment later; i am intrigued by this one.
Re: a comment on I Am A Reality by Skamper	19-Jun-07/10:30 AM
best manic song: Bjork's "violently happy"
Re: Bonded by Skamper	18-Jun-07/7:37 AM
if this is really as erotic as it sounds... seems like a scene out of some "master - servant" relationship. a little oral pleasure as a welcome back? not sure what the narrator's "story" is really...
Re: I Am A Reality by Skamper	18-Jun-07/7:34 AM
i would say this falls into more of a lyric category. i cannot help but hear someone rapping this out. some interesting thoughts here. not sure yet what i take away from it, so after re-reads, i may change my vote.
Re: A Fine Thread by Nepanthe	14-Jun-07/11:04 AM
missing old friends, i gather. nice metaphor.
Re: It's Simple by Enkidu	14-Jun-07/11:00 AM
one extra syllable in line 2; try "I'll" or maybe just "will". perhaps try using other words beside "give" 5 times. i am sure there are other things you do, such as forgave, tryusted, loved, etc. might help paint the picture better if you explain how much you gave...
Re: Decisions by MacFrantic	14-Jun-07/10:53 AM
gross, as in anatomy. clever.
Re: Baby by sca	14-Jun-07/10:51 AM
holy fuck. dark only says half of it. i think this has the opportunity for a lot of expansion. there is a lot of story here for so few lines, but there are enough lines used that it either needs to be longer and expanded into a mini-epic, or edited down to a more concise yet potent missive. i like this and hpoe you will work further on it.
Re: Take-Off by oneglove	12-Jun-07/9:32 AM
leaving Athens? :D i can answer the question: to go to Delphi, navel of the world.
Re: The Lover and The Rapist by Skamper	12-Jun-07/9:29 AM
not sure i really want to know what this is about... i kind of got use of internet for shopping, deflowering of a virgin, and those two don't seem to paint a nice picture.
Re: The Call by Skamper	12-Jun-07/9:25 AM
are you watching wheel of fortune of something? or maybe this is "the big wheel" on the price is right? dunno, it is a bit vague. a bit more power maybe in some of the action would help bring out the meaning or intensity of being forced into a decision you do not agree with. i think this has some potential.
Re: a comment on Dixon Country Store, Kentucky by Dovina	12-Jun-07/9:17 AM
no ya didn't. i think ya gotta "accept" your revision for it to go into effect. not sure if that revision would really work anyway; then you'd be repeating "August" two lines away from the first instance. I actually like the S2 L2 line, so instead maybe focus on S1 L4. maybe it could be something like: "maybe late summer, but not early spring." be looking for some change, at any rate...
Re: a comment on leaves of clover by lmp	11-Jun-07/3:44 PM
agreed on both counts. i chose that specie of honeybee because the latin literally means "honey-carrying bee". it does stick out as the rest of the poem is written in simple words; again i will try to improve upon it. the "god's power" phrase bothered me as well, seeming bit overreligious for this piece, but i really wanted to use "flowers" at the end. i'm still mulling over the options but not having much luck; everything i come up with seems too forced.
Re: Dixon Country Store, Kentucky by Dovina	11-Jun-07/9:41 AM
i looked up milo seed since i was unfamiliar with it. used a lot in birdseed mixes. is it used basically as a soil enriching crop for planting the "real" crop of wheat, etc.?
Re: Dixon Country Store, Kentucky by Dovina	11-Jun-07/9:35 AM
my favorite one so far in the series. to me, a cycling tour is a great way to see the way of life in areas like this. the pace is slow enough to allow it to sink in, slow enough to really get "done" with something before a new thing comes along to try and understand. i imagine this is the conversation you heard around you as you ate before heading out, a "fly on the wall" perspective, on the "outside looking in", etc. etc. well done. the use of "May" only 2 lines apart (lines 4 & 6) is a little distracting. I don't know if you could use a different word choice (seasonal rather than monthly) for the first reference. or maybe these are actual quotes...
Re: a comment on leaves of clover by lmp	11-Jun-07/8:54 AM
did not know that bit of technical bee data; i will amend the line referring to drones' labor. the line about the truck loaded with nectar ("nect'r" to rhyme a little better with "wreck"), well technically nectar is used to make honey, so you are correct on that count. however, nectar is any delicious drink and also the mythological life-giving drink of the gods. i have partaken of honey as a drink (straight outta the jar, mmmm). also, i believe that honey has some amazingly wonderful health-related properties (ok not "life-giving"); i swear by lemon tea with copious amounts of honey whenever i get a nasty winter cold. ( http://www.bellybytes.com/bytes/honey.shtml ). so in that light, i would say that "nect'r" is appropriate use in that line, if none else by poetic license. thanks for the feedback; let me know what you think of the rewrite when it happens...
Re: 0 by MacFrantic	8-Jun-07/3:41 PM
pi
Re: a comment on The kissing chair incident by Stephen Robins	8-Jun-07/3:39 PM
better yet, avoid the whole "chair that goes poof!" by using said truncheon (which, if of good quality, will triple its eight inch length when activated) as a seat. of course, you may want to carry a small inflatable pillow to put over the end of said truncheon before attempting to rest the "broad and handsome behind" on it; one could end up with a pole up one's arse instead. oh, how humiliating that would be!
Re: a comment on Bitter by Ranger	8-Jun-07/3:30 PM
um. busy, and that's why i havent been on. work's getting in the way of my extracurricular online life again, damnit!