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The One I Threw Back (Free verse) by drnick
I observed it from afar, Inspected its every flaw, Drew conclusions, Issued a final statement. As I turned to close the book, I paused to heed a feeling, Which took ahold, Disabled, I could not let go. So I made my study closer, Admired her every flaw, Erased my old conclusions, Developed a dream. Constantly moving closer, Taking note she noted me, She danced inside my mind, And whispered something. The perfect truth had me, I sat there as if shot, "The way strawberry strands cascade to her lips," I jot. Sitting there before me, With her paralyzing stare, I pulled her tight against me, And laced my fingers in her hair. I shook with electric fever, A dream realized and embraced, Inside this perfect moment, I found God inside her face. Shoving her back I turned, Ran with mournful fury, I looked back to catch a glimpse, The dream had become blurry. I've buried myself inside my mistakes, Made myself a home, Here I'll hide forevermore, Secure but alone.

Up the ladder: (A)Gnostic
Down the ladder: Call Someone Right Away

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Arithmetic Mean: 6.4
Weighted score: 5.166884
Overall Rank: 5058
Posted: June 18, 2007 10:40 PM PDT; Last modified: June 18, 2007 10:40 PM PDT
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Comments:
[8] Skamper @ 202.6.130.121 | 19-Jun-07/2:30 AM | Reply
The dream becoming blurry, works better for me. I've buried myself inside mistakes or Buried myself inside my mistakes..or I'm buried inside my mistakes...not sure on the proper english for this but seems to be too many "ownership" words in this line. What you reckon?
I love the torment hindsight can deliver.
[n/a] drnick @ 24.247.158.152 > Skamper | 19-Jun-07/7:52 AM | Reply
What about, "I've buried myself inside these mistakes"? I prefer the torment that hindsight can deliver others ;)
[8] lmp @ 141.154.134.3 | 19-Jun-07/12:22 PM | Reply
i'll comment later; i am intrigued by this one.
[7] Dovina @ 66.140.169.242 | 20-Jun-07/3:02 PM | Reply
"hold" not "ahold" and a period after it.
Some of it has a nice rhythm, but the lapses distract. This sort of thing needs rhythm, I think, to carry it, especially when all the stanzas have 4 lines.

example:
I've buried myself inside mistakes,
Made myself a home,
Here I'll hide forever,
Secure and still alone.
[9] Ranger @ 81.152.176.129 | 21-Jun-07/5:09 AM | Reply
Aside from 'I found God inside her face' I rather like this.
[n/a] drnick @ 24.247.158.152 > Ranger | 21-Jun-07/9:50 AM | Reply
I know it makes things awkward, but that's God for you! I didn't mean it literally, I just wanted to convey the magnitude of the moment and thought this was the only way. It plays with the quasi-motif I have going: the scientist studying, breaking his objective intentions, finding God and running away. Glad you liked it.
[7] Dovina @ 69.92.217.120 > drnick | 21-Jun-07/3:11 PM | Reply
God made man in His own image and woman to be his helpmeet. I'm sure you were recalling that Scripture and seeing it worked out in her face.
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