| Poem: Submit | Random | Best | Worst | Recent | Comments |
|
husk [hai-crete] (Haiku) by lmp brittle empty skin
easily crushed and bro ken
f l i e s upon cold wind
Up the ladder:
sprung
Down the ladder:
Valentine 2
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 9.0
Posted: June 19, 2007 1:45 PM PDT; Last modified: June 19, 2007 1:45 PM PDTWeighted score: 5.476812 Overall Rank: 2815 Comments:
Love the breaking of broken and the flying of the flies. And presumably you're aiming for the breakages, the incompleteness making something whole and concrete?
exactly. haiku in the concrete style.
and put that way, it reminds me of Tadao Ando, Kenzo Tange, Maki, Izozaki, and many other fascinating Japanese architects that love to use actual concrete to create their poetry, or as it has been said, "frozen music": architecture. here's a nice Ando building in concrete: http://www.andotadao.org/chlight6.htm
had a bit more trouble with "empty", so i left lots of empty space around it.
Love it
gald you do.
I usually hate this type of poem, but you did an excellent job!
thank you. i guess that means even more if the poem style generally irritates you.
234 view(s)
|
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
"bro ken" is broken.
hence [hai-crete] in the title.
and without the word "empty" the haiku police would be all over me for only having 3 syllables in the first line. "suuuuuure it is there", they would say as thay clapped me in irons.