Help | About | Suggestions | Alms | Chat [0] | Users [0] | Log In | Join
 Search:
Poem: Submit | Random | Best | Worst | Recent | Comments   

husk [hai-crete] (Haiku) by lmp
brittle empty skin easily crushed and bro ken f l i e s upon cold wind

Up the ladder: sprung
Down the ladder: Valentine 2

You must be logged in to leave comments. Vote:

Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
 GraphVotes
10  .. 20
.. 20
.. 00
.. 10
.. 00
.. 00
.. 00
.. 00
.. 00
.. 00
.. 00

Arithmetic Mean: 9.0
Weighted score: 5.476812
Overall Rank: 2815
Posted: June 19, 2007 1:45 PM PDT; Last modified: June 19, 2007 1:45 PM PDT
View voting details
Comments:
[7] Dovina @ 66.140.169.242 | 20-Jun-07/3:05 PM | Reply
Broken could lose the space.
[n/a] lmp @ 141.154.134.3 > Dovina | 20-Jun-07/3:27 PM | Reply

"bro ken" is broken.

hence [hai-crete] in the title.
[7] Dovina @ 69.92.217.120 > lmp | 21-Jun-07/3:04 PM | Reply
By that standard, crushed should be crshd, crushing out some letters. And empty, well, should be a blank space. Anyway, it's a fun thing.
[n/a] lmp @ 141.154.134.3 > Dovina | 28-Jun-07/11:08 AM | Reply
i could not find crshd in the dictionary. is it under "crashed", "crushed", or "cure-shod"? i could maybe use a different text or reduce the kerning to give the effect, but Notepad isn't so sophisticated. perhaps if it gets published (ha ha) the printing house can work on that.

and without the word "empty" the haiku police would be all over me for only having 3 syllables in the first line. "suuuuuure it is there", they would say as thay clapped me in irons.
[9] Ranger @ 81.152.176.129 | 21-Jun-07/5:15 AM | Reply
Love the breaking of broken and the flying of the flies. And presumably you're aiming for the breakages, the incompleteness making something whole and concrete?
[n/a] lmp @ 141.154.134.3 > Ranger | 21-Jun-07/8:39 AM | Reply
exactly. haiku in the concrete style.

and put that way, it reminds me of Tadao Ando, Kenzo Tange, Maki, Izozaki, and many other fascinating Japanese architects that love to use actual concrete to create their poetry, or as it has been said, "frozen music": architecture.

here's a nice Ando building in concrete:
http://www.andotadao.org/chlight6.htm
[n/a] lmp @ 141.154.134.3 > Ranger | 21-Jun-07/8:43 AM | Reply
had a bit more trouble with "empty", so i left lots of empty space around it.
[10] Skamper @ 202.6.132.146 | 21-Jun-07/6:36 AM | Reply
Love it
[n/a] lmp @ 141.154.134.3 > Skamper | 21-Jun-07/8:43 AM | Reply
gald you do.
[9] drnick @ 24.247.158.152 | 21-Jun-07/1:54 PM | Reply
I usually hate this type of poem, but you did an excellent job!
[n/a] lmp @ 141.154.134.3 > drnick | 21-Jun-07/3:12 PM | Reply
thank you. i guess that means even more if the poem style generally irritates you.
234 view(s)




Track and Plan your submissions ; Read some Comics ; Get Paid for your Poetry
PoemRanker Copyright © 2001 - 2024 - kaolin fire - All Rights Reserved
All poems Copyright © their respective authors
An internet tradition since June 9, 2001