| Re: The Search by OneFingerAnswer |
5-Dec-05/8:06 AM |
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I like the repetition here, but perhaps you need to break the form - maybe write it in blank verse instead to keep a restraint as the rhymes sound a bit ding-dong if you know what I mean?
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| Re: The Beauty of His Last Night Wasted by OneFingerAnswer |
5-Dec-05/8:08 AM |
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This is interesting. It reminds me of Oriental poetry - Li Po etc. I like it, but maybe it is a little sentimental at the end - Oriental poetry is often about repressed emotions and this makes it moving. Perhaps a pinch of that may help here.
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| Re: saving myself for marriage by Venus |
5-Dec-05/8:12 AM |
A haiku is supposed to have three things:
1. A clear image
2. A clear emotion
3. A clear philosophical message
The image is not so clear to me as it seems to be two images - maybe you need to stick with the cherry image. The emotion seems to be hiding sadness with pride. But what is the philosophical message?
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| Re: Charm by OneFingerAnswer |
6-Dec-05/5:43 AM |
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I must say that I like this: teh build up of character. Perhaps some words and phrases are not working hard enough, like 'carrying himslef as if on a breeze'. You could be more specific here maybe'. I would also like to have more concrete happenings described.
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| Re: ... in the Rain by Numen |
6-Dec-05/5:46 AM |
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There's a great deal that I like about this poem. The form is interesting and I like how it looks on the page. Sometimes the language could work harder - e.g.hiding tears in the rain is a cliche.
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| Re: Gloria's Falling Sun by OneFingerAnswer |
6-Dec-05/5:55 AM |
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I like this, but I'm not sure about the nursery rhyme sing song quality of the rhyme - maybe blank verse would be a better restraint? Also I don't like the way that our heroine is left in the dark at the end. Couldn't she hit Hyde over the head with a saucepan and escape or something?
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| Re: An Invitation From Poetry.com by scitz |
5-Jul-06/5:10 AM |
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
5-Jul-06/5:12 AM |
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I quite like the mirror image here. Maybe this could be a longer poem, more devloped poem though.
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| Re: Prelude to Infidelity (edited) by Caducus |
5-Jul-06/5:14 AM |
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There is something really satisfying about the matter-of-fact statement and description here, although some of the images are a bit abstract for me like Tchaikovsky buying my wife...
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| Re: Background Noise by Plaidypus |
5-Jul-06/5:19 AM |
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This reminds me of a poem by John Ash that I think was called 'A Novel'. This feels like it could be a whole novel in one poem.
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| Re: Devil's Deal by kaoriliveshere |
6-Jul-06/12:00 PM |
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Nice sentiment here. Have you thought about putting it into a rhyming form?
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| Re: That Shade by Enkidu |
10-Jul-06/4:13 AM |
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Nice Oriental sounding poem.
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| Re: wet/dry dreams/eyes by FreeFormFixation |
10-Jul-06/4:16 AM |
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| Re: Broken Promise by VintageLove08 |
10-Jul-06/4:18 AM |
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Quite nice... sometimes the content is dictated too much by the rhyme for me. And sometimes this tells too much without showing and letting the reader work it out themselves.
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| Re: Sunny Day Gone (In Lovng Memory of My Mother) by fallen_rose |
10-Jul-06/4:19 AM |
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Quite nice... I'd liek top hear more about your mother. What kind of person was she? What was teh story of her life?
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| Re: I think I'm forgetting it now. by FreeFormFixation |
20-Jul-06/2:00 AM |
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This is really great. Some of the lines need to be pulled back to make them as tense as the others: 'And just as my last shred of consciousness slips'. But I enjoy the tone and rhythm of it.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
26-Oct-06/11:11 AM |
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IWhat if you replaced teh god names with modern names? That would be unexpected.
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| Re: Royal Blades by Dovina |
26-Oct-06/11:13 AM |
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Muscular writing! Not sure about the last line. There's a whole other story there.
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