Re: There by Dovina	1-Mar-06/8:55 AM
OH! Type A personalities! groan...:~ If I wrote this it would have been so different! All the possibilities...no clocks, no time...just the sheer joy of 'being'...like a child...I would have just played with the idea and excitement of 'possibility'...but THAT is me, and this is you. I enjoy my own time and am never bored...never. Perhaps when you get there you will find a child waiting to show you what to do:)
Re: Today's Spam by nentwined	1-Mar-06/9:04 AM
LOL...a bit of fun! I love the ones offering penis enlargement...it would be useful if I HAD a penis! and the ones for viagra-like meds...if I had a penis, that then refused to respond!
Re: beauty by Adriaan	1-Mar-06/10:00 AM
ah-ha! cool! Very good!
Re: isomers by skaskowski	1-Mar-06/10:10 AM
I like the first stanza...alot! then the 2nd...AWwww...man...this had the potential to go a long way. My suggestion? scratch out the last stanza, stash it in a pile somewhere, and then rediscover it sometime in the future, when you will be inspired to write more...and the cerebral climax it calls for! 9 on the first stanza. hmm...2nd...use it in another realistic and ironic piece.
Re: Meltdown by longships	1-Mar-06/10:24 AM
graceless seems a tad forced here...but I like this. The last stanza is rather strange in that it brings 'freedom to our souls'...which feels like relief and sounds nice and desirable...but then it ends, "turning all life cold", which is the opposite. Maybe this was on purpose?...it would be one to some people, and the other to other people.
Re: An Interview With King David by amanda_dcosta	1-Mar-06/10:44 AM
I wasn't as amused by this as I might have been. Too cheesy in too many places, but then again, alot of people praise cheezy to high heaven. It just didn't go anywhere interesting! I kept thinking you were going to make them lovers...so many places hint you are going there. (Intro>loved the Lord passionatly,how long have you been in love with the Lord? a burning desire to please the Lord, that nothing could prevent me from expressing my love for Him. the whole dancing nearly-naked part.) I don't think this was an accident...and if you were going that direction, then don't pussy-foot around it...go for the balls, so to speak! And if you find that whole idea blasphemous, then take a really close look at this and revise...alot! (also, if it was not intentional, then perhaps you might want to talk to your priest...unless, of course he is of that type that would agree they were indeed lovers, and you are a pretty youngster.... LOL...Don't send me hate mail!
Re: Nude Falling Down Staircase by zodiac	1-Mar-06/10:54 AM
lol...chuckled at this...didn't think I was going to like it, at first...but it came out pulled together...and ended up being fun. You have a strange internal dialog! LOL
Re: The Struggling Poet's Lament by Ranger	1-Mar-06/11:46 AM
Oh, Man! Awesome! Idea, premise,and the path to it; Great! Very intellegent! Execution...needs to be worked on. okay....Yes, some flow problems in a few places (In low-lit room move, exploring Soft sweeps across such pale skin) Maybe that's it, maybe make more complete sentences...alittle too sparse here and there. I think if you filled in a little, and then cleaned up the rythm that way, you would be more happy with this. I'd like to see you play with the 'fire' alittle more here. I think volcano erupts, in reverse, to flow upon the floor, searing hot images that burn into the mind and refuse to be painted in their full glory onto the canvas...I'd like to see you go a little further with that idea. Pale...alabaster, porcelain...I would like a more precie definition/description here. But, maybe that is the whole, entire point of this. Less than mastered, it stands as the canvas and so a part of what it laments it can not master. But only a true artist agonizes over the inablility to fully capture it, but alas, does come close. You need to come closer to it, here, to pull off the imperfections; if they are meant to be there. 9 for the genius of thought this holds. 10 if you master it!
Re: You Sang To Me In A Cathedral Chamber by Ranger	1-Mar-06/12:06 PM
This is so freaking cool! What a delight! I am so tempted to go read what others wrote before I post, but I won't. I have no clear understanding what this is about...and I don't think I want one! It could be about so many wonderful things...and so I say...it could use a tweak here or there...but not too many, or it might lose its depth and multi-meaning layers. I have reread this 3 times, and will put it in my favorites to reread again. It is just magical. And, I think, to adults and children alike,it will mean so many different things.I like all the things that may be tucked in the nooks and crannies of this piece. (Like little Spider's webs tucked into the cracks and crevices) That said, I don't think it would hurt to fill in with a word here or there, in closer proximity to complete sentences.
Re: You Sang To Me In A Cathedral Chamber by Ranger	1-Mar-06/12:07 PM
Oh, and, I like the alternate title the best...if I had to vote.
Re: A Failed Proposition Under The Night Sky by Ranger	1-Mar-06/12:20 PM
I almost whoop aloud at the places you go! I would change>he now looks Needs something more refined, there. At rereading, I thought, the cock could have said so many different things, and I would have liked it as much. Another romantic dies at dawn. etc, etc:)
Re: Beauty, sleeping (revised) by Ranger	1-Mar-06/8:15 PM
I am working my way down (newest to oldest) the list of your stuff on here...in case that isn't obvious by now. This isn't one of my favorites, thus far. It just isn't my cup of tea, perhaps. It just doesn't stand out like the others. It IS a bit of fun...and the humour is funny in a Robinhood/'men in tights' kind of way. I don't understand why you talk of jet planes at the onset, but then stay within typical fairie tale format after that, never mentioning a tie to that plane again. Perhaps say "The fairies joined in like biting gnats, to cast/buzz their spells about my head." ?... something to give a distinct entry and personality to them. (As they are they just look thrown in there, and seem incomplete and insignificant.) (castles, dwarves, and all) or (castle's dwarves and all?) >my stallion and I (If it was intentional it is just not cute enough to work here. Maybe "me and my stallion" would put a childish spin on it without making us roll our eyes...?)
Re: Blackbird & the Everlasting Dream by Ranger	1-Mar-06/8:44 PM
freeze-with breeze heard-this bird seems-Although his dreams ...!! blue-and through flight-contrite...!!! awhile-of trials (I'd make them one or the other...follow through if you are going to do that, as they are rather abrupt in places, and are jarring, to me.) lines 3 and 4 stumble, try something like: With the breeze they softly stirred Never a sound so sweet was heard I read everlasting world as everlasting word...which would work too. Revise and I could see giving this a better score...it has potential, but just needs to pull together better. Work on the flow...make it go down more smoothly.
Re: His Dying Words (2nd draft) by Ranger	1-Mar-06/8:56 PM
This called for better than you gave in the last line...please consider stating the fact: maternity ward, in some other way, (the blue booties dropped to the floor, dropped from her hand...something to state maternity ward...and then work on a fitting ending. This is such unique perspective..which I most enjoy tackling, myself. It asked to be re-read...and that is a good sign, if you ask me. It challenges beliefs and perspectives on what life is and means here...good stuff. Do it justice at the end. It's reads like (camera fades) instruction in a theatre production or filming. It went from real, and puzzling to shocking and thought provoking to...(camera fades)...it deserves more.
Re: A Failed Proposition Under The Night Sky by Ranger	2-Mar-06/6:19 AM
through which his gaze directed...?
Re: A Failed Proposition Under The Night Sky by Ranger	2-Mar-06/7:15 AM
read the line and see if the rythm flows better, for you. (added 'the' and broke the format up to, uhmmmm... make it pause for effect. changed 'lifting' to 'lifted'...just some thoughts...feel free to reject them all:) setting diamonds in the band with ruby glinting to its right (nestled..?) .............. Unlike most who gaze at stars He stared not through the rosehip mist But instead spent one night Standing Atlas, dreaming of a burden lifted ........ A cockerel early risen, tense Brings the news that night has gone And once again It cries _________(needs 2 syllable word) The astronomer dies at dawn. ?...this gives the idea...listen to the RYTHM.. A cockerel early risen, tense Brings the news that night has gone And once again It cries, henceforth (better at 4 syllables total!) The astronomer dies at dawn. (dropping a syllable keeps you from having to rush the ending by forcing the syllables in. You could use any number of words at 'it cries'> henceforth,the edict,an edict, bemoans, mourning, in mourning,warning, in warning, to warn,its warning, its notice, in decree...etc. okay...that said...I'm glad if you can garner something from reading my stuff, but also realize everyone has to find there own internal rythm; and every piece has its own inner beat and melody.
Re: =, <>, & . . . by Dovina	2-Mar-06/7:32 AM
hmmmm....you say you don't get my poem...(I feel guilty scoring this...did you really want us to?
regarding some deleted poem...	2-Mar-06/7:50 AM
'Seeing only each other' or something else, might have tied this together better, here. This conjures up an eery dreamlike picture in my mind...unique, strange and facinating at the same time.(? with a European, old world flavour to it, I think.) Being big on rythm and flow, I found it lacking in that respect. It's found in places, but not enough. It seems to come together better at "the quiet girl..." & onward. (great line, btw!) I can imagine people saying the first two lines are cliche' or unoriginal, not a good way to start off. The ending is awesome! (last two lines)
Re: Under the Spoon by MacFrantic	2-Mar-06/8:01 AM
I can't take this seriously; you rhyme, then don't, then do so badly, then rhyme at the end of lines, then half way into lines and rhyme at the end of them. The cadence goes all over the place, changing at random. ...later, ..later, and Alligator ending was a groan AND an eye roll.
Re: Wet Paint (A Blond Point of View) by Miggy	3-Mar-06/6:40 AM
some grammar problems: 'mistakes in the past was' (were) I'm not so sure that I would care for this, in song format.