Free verse № 47896
Beauty, sleeping (revised)
Hers was not an apple
Hers was a jetplane
A 21st century Icarus
Her true wish was to break the spell
Escape the labyrinths of her tower forever
Shatter glass
She day-dreamed a Prince, spinning her a golden ladder
Climbing past her mother
Swinging through the windows
I attempted a rescue
Hollywood style
But the thorns got her first
Scratched her eyes like shards of her motherâs mirror
Malice through the Looking Glass
No matter how much I cried
She still couldnât see me
Meanwhile those brambles had become a forest,
entwined themselves seductively round my hands and her hair
Drew blood
A perfect chance to release her, or so I thought
Sadly my sword was not designed for such use
On plants
(Alas-for soon the woodsman appeared on the scene
Equipped with his axe
Hunting, I believe
Seeking game at any rate-
This was not to be my day)
Well, although she longed for a Prince
My three gifts of happiness, friendship and a
"Get out of Jail Free" card
Went unrecognised
Intercepted, perhaps, by the scheming witch downstairs
Either way, I had a kingdom to manage
Castles dwarves and all
So my stallion and me turned away
And left her to stamp and hurl rampion
Fairies, too
They cast a spell at me
I dodged and she slept for a hundred years
Under a gingerbread sky
I wept in the woods
There the wolf wept too, for his grandma had died
Murdered, by all accounts
He huffed
And he puffed
And he blew the princess away
My, what a big heart you have
22 comments
(Thanks INTRANSIT!)
You're right that the woodsman part was supposed to inject a bit of life into it...and I'll have a look at making it appear less as though I was giving up.
Thanks for your thoughts on this, I think it'll need editing a few more times before it's complete.
A wise poet said to me: Don't write to make others like your poetry. Write to make them think.
This above all: To thine own self be true.
Shakespeare.
Keep up the efforts, they are paying off.
Well, although she longed for a Prince
My three gifts of happiness, friendship and a
'Get Out Of Jail Free' card
Went unrecognised
Intercepted, perhaps, by the scheming witch downstairs
Either way, I had a kingdom to manage...
Thanks for your continuing advice, hopefully this poem will reflect it. I'll carry on working on this one and edit it a couple more times, and appreciate all the feedback I get. Thanks all.
very fairytale like, gentle
Any advice for improvements, whoever you are?
sort of ironic
The only thing wrong is 'So my stallion and me turned away'. It seems wrong for some reason. Perhaps 'my stallion and I'?
very tight
Talking about GW though, She's the first person in my life that stepped through the membrane of what true love or real love is and offered to help me stay sober. Not that no one cares. It's just a lot of work and there is an exhausting amount of communication involved in helping a realy resourceful and brilliant person get off of hard candy. It takes a lot of love, and trust in a situation were you might be the only one there that still has the ability to do that 'trust' and 'love' you know what i mean? She's my friend, and I know that she loves me, and oddly enough. That's something I'm just grasping, weird huh.
Life is crazy like that, but yesterday I saw my three year old son's first soccer game (he's three) and i was sober, and i only smoked two cigarettes. lol, but ah, that's big in my mind right now. 1 week sober. I have a really special circle of friends, and my son may totally suck right now at soccer, god bless his tiny little man legs, (he's great at the sax though!) atleast now I can participate on a level that's rational and benificial for everyone. I was great at soccer and still am, he needs me. We can do it. together. lol. that should be my speech at the na aa olympics this year. Oh well, what ever.
This isn't one of my favorites, thus far. It just isn't my cup of tea, perhaps. It just doesn't stand out like the others.
It IS a bit of fun...and the humour is funny in a Robinhood/'men in tights' kind of way. I don't understand why you talk of jet planes at the onset, but then stay within typical fairie tale format after that, never mentioning a tie to that plane again.
Perhaps say "The fairies joined in like biting gnats, to cast/buzz their spells about my head." ?... something to give a distinct entry and personality to them. (As they are they just look thrown in there, and seem incomplete and insignificant.)
(castles, dwarves, and all) or (castle's dwarves and all?)
>my stallion and I (If it was intentional it is just not cute enough to work here. Maybe "me and my stallion" would put a childish spin on it without making us roll our eyes...?)
It is funny that you have 0's and 10's...hmm...do you have ogre's hiding under the bridge, that only come out when you pass? I haven't seen alot of these names commenting on other stuff, and yet they seem to have some personal issues involved. Maybe this is just one of those things you either like or don't. You can bet, good or bad, that when I comment there are no motives, one way or the other, toward anybody. I vote and post, then read what other's wrote, just to ensure the thoughts are my own and real. Everyone may totally disagree with me or agree. It really doesn't matter to me. What does matter is being judged on the writing's merits. Period. You can count on an honest thought and opinion, from me...even if it might be something you'd rather not hear or you totally disagree with. What you do with it is entirely up to you.
Oddly enough, though, I like this poem more than anything else I've written.
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