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His Dying Words (2nd draft)

Member since 2002 · Posted 15 Feb 2003 · Edited 21 Mar 2003 · 25 comments

Time slowed, and for an instant it seemed Forever, he was granted The eternity he required To explain how much more he wished he'd loved her And within a fraction of a cricket's song His final breath floated away With the wonderful words she longed for As they dissipated into the echoes Of a deserted corridor "I love you too", she wept But her child would never know Just how much so Condolences and cards rang hollow The maternity ward faded to silence

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25 comments

[9] scitz 16-Feb-03/2:59 AM Reply

Its actually Caducus, Ranger this is quite a mature piece, I love all the lines except the 1000 winds, four winds is ok, try and find out the name for the most desructive wind is, as this is all about destruction. The end line should be simply this...dozens of sympathy cards, but condolences ring hollow.

something like that, but in your words. I'm giving a 9 here and be encouraged this I respect more than your other stuff.

[n/a] Ranger › scitz 16-Feb-03/6:54 AM Reply

Thanks Cad, I'll have a look about for the names given to destructive winds and I'll edit this in a few days or so because this is (as it says) a draft. I never actually thought of 4 winds, thank you for the idea.
Ta.

[6] Mr Pig 23-Feb-03/4:59 AM Reply

A good effort my young sire, however heartblink is a failed image it doesn't really work so amend it and consult me once you have finished. May I offer you respectability in a 7, quite moving.

[6] Mr Pig 23-Feb-03/5:00 AM Reply

I see your an amiable laddie, who kindly offers his comments would you oblige me sometime and grease my whip, onw would appreciate your input on mine

[n/a] Ranger › Mr Pig 27-Feb-03/2:29 PM Reply

Thanks for the advice, I wasn't too sure about using the word myself.

[n/a] Bachus 27-Feb-03/4:25 PM Reply

"four calm winds" this part does not fit in the hospital. Try changing it to "clean white sheets".

[6] Mr Pig 28-Feb-03/12:58 AM Reply

Oh how delightful you have made a couple of amendments to the poem. I feel this may or may not help you. What you must try and engage here is the derelict open spaces and smells in the hospital, think of something fitting to connect that emptiness of the hospital corridors to the emptiness of ones emotions. If I ever walk in to a hospital the smell, and sounds always remind me of my late Aunt Violet. The last line is sweet young man but one thinks it would be beneficial for one to leave this poem a while and come back to it rabid with inspiration.
I bid you good day young sire.

[n/a] Ranger › Mr Pig 1-Mar-03/3:08 AM Reply

Thank'ee kindly, sir. You are spot on there, what you said is what I've been trying to get right-I will keep editing until I get this one right. Thanks also, Bachus.
A good morrow to yourself, also, sir.

[n/a] Ranger › Ranger 1-Mar-03/3:13 AM Reply

Oh, and what do you think to my edit of 'fraction of a cricket's song'? I'm still not sure about it, what I want is something short and beautiful. If anyone has any suggestions I'd be grateful to hear them.

[8] Blindproject217 › Ranger 21-Mar-03/11:14 AM Reply

I like the "crickets song" its original

[6] Mr Pig 1-Mar-03/10:13 AM Reply

Leave this be now my boy, write about something new, something thats inspiring then come back to this, you are trying too hard and its Saturday a young strapping lad like yourself must go to a public house and be merry.

[n/a] Fear of Garbage 1-Mar-03/7:56 PM Reply

Ranger i've read some of your other works and although i respect your language and obvious intelligence sometimes when i'm reading your poetry i don't enjoy the piece at all because i'm so busy critiquing it as i go.

i have a just one piece of advice for you. stop trying to rhyme. anything. at all.

[n/a] Ranger › Fear of Garbage 2-Mar-03/8:06 AM Reply

I know this might sound strange, but I agree with you on this. I have stopped attempting to rhyme because a) I'm not very good at anything more than the basics of it, and b) I find that it restricts what I can and can't write about.
I think that what people have missed for the two long ones (Am I still here and Epistemology) is that they are meant to be light hearted poems that don't stick to the subject of love and death that I find so many people write about all the time-I do a lot but most of my stuff's crap so I don't submit it. I was surprised at this one cause it seemed quite good and I like it. But yes, I do see what you're saying. Thanks for the comment.

[9] INTRANSIT 21-Mar-03/1:50 PM Reply

Swap lines 5 and 6 and merge them. You have great potential, especially starting at such a young age. If this fulfills you, and puts a smile on your face, then continue to work at it. (9) I think you're close here.
Very close.

[n/a] Ranger › INTRANSIT 21-Mar-03/11:05 PM Reply

Thanks for the advice INT. I wonder if you could give me some indication as to what you would do? I'll muse it over awhile and have a play around with it.

[n/a] Freethinker1602 21-Mar-03/9:14 PM Reply

hey it's good to see something from you. Your last post was in feb. Yet some how you have captured my ultimate night mare.

[n/a] Ranger › Freethinker1602 21-Mar-03/11:07 PM Reply

Ta, OTP, it's nice to know that the poem had that effect...kind of strange that it took this form after being started as a different poem-but I quite like it now.

[10] Bobjim 24-Mar-03/1:31 PM Reply

INCEST!!!!!!

[n/a] Yardbird › Bobjim 13-Apr-03/12:32 PM Reply

You're obsessed with something, but I can't quite figure out what it is. Hmmmm....

[8] lunar 5-Apr-03/8:32 AM Reply

very good! 8

[3] Dostoyevsky 5-Apr-03/10:38 AM Reply

YOU TRY TO HARD, your poems are full of intricacys they dont need, they are frankly souless as well there is no fire no passion. basically that describes all your poems, so thats 10 for effort, 0 for soul and 4 for over all so a total of 3 out of 10

[n/a] Ranger › Dostoyevsky 6-Apr-03/7:42 AM Reply

Why are you in a bad mood with me?

I didn't want fire and passion in this because it's supposed to be a sad poem. Please also give me an example of an intricacy, this wasn't something I wrote deliberately to look clever, it was done in approx 10 mins and I later edited.
Oh well, thank you for giving me your opinion.

[n/a] Yardbird › Dostoyevsky 13-Apr-03/12:36 PM Reply

Dostoyevsky? Is that pretentious or what? "Oh, look at me, I think that by naming myself after some literary giant, people will see me as a serious artist, blah blah blah....". You're a dick, kiddo, and as for "soul", you wouldn't know it if it jumped up and bit your itty-bitty balls off...

[n/a] Blade › Yardbird 20-Apr-03/9:00 AM Reply

Dude take a chill pill........however your right of course Dostoyevsky is a complete C**T so AVE IT YOU MAD RUSSIAN B******D!!!
GET A F*****G LIFE ********************!!!!!!!!!!!!

[7] LilMsLadyPoet 1-Mar-06/8:56 PM Reply

This called for better than you gave in the last line...please consider stating the fact: maternity ward, in some other way, (the blue booties dropped to the floor, dropped from her hand...something to state maternity ward...and then work on a fitting ending. This is such unique perspective..which I most enjoy tackling, myself. It asked to be re-read...and that is a good sign, if you ask me. It challenges beliefs and perspectives on what life is and means here...good stuff. Do it justice at the end. It's reads like (camera fades) instruction in a theatre production or filming. It went from real, and puzzling to shocking and thought provoking to...(camera fades)...it deserves more.