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His Dying Words (2nd draft) (Free verse) by Ranger Time slowed, and for an instant it seemed
Forever, he was granted
The eternity he required
To explain how much more he wished he'd loved her
And within a fraction of a cricket's song
His final breath floated away
With the wonderful words she longed for
As they dissipated into the echoes
Of a deserted corridor
"I love you too", she wept
But her child would never know
Just how much so
Condolences and cards rang hollow
The maternity ward faded to silence
Up the ladder:
Nebulous
Down the ladder:
Quadroons
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 6.7777777
Posted: February 15, 2003 4:18 PM PST; Last modified: March 21, 2003 10:10 AM PSTWeighted score: 5.888889 Overall Rank: 1487 Comments:
A good effort my young sire, however heartblink is a failed image it doesn't really work so amend it and consult me once you have finished. May I offer you respectability in a 7, quite moving.
I see your an amiable laddie, who kindly offers his comments would you oblige me sometime and grease my whip, onw would appreciate your input on mine
Thanks for the advice, I wasn't too sure about using the word myself.
"four calm winds" this part does not fit in the hospital. Try changing it to "clean white sheets".
Oh how delightful you have made a couple of amendments to the poem. I feel this may or may not help you. What you must try and engage here is the derelict open spaces and smells in the hospital, think of something fitting to connect that emptiness of the hospital corridors to the emptiness of ones emotions. If I ever walk in to a hospital the smell, and sounds always remind me of my late Aunt Violet. The last line is sweet young man but one thinks it would be beneficial for one to leave this poem a while and come back to it rabid with inspiration.
I bid you good day young sire.
Thank'ee kindly, sir. You are spot on there, what you said is what I've been trying to get right-I will keep editing until I get this one right. Thanks also, Bachus.
A good morrow to yourself, also, sir.
Oh, and what do you think to my edit of 'fraction of a cricket's song'? I'm still not sure about it, what I want is something short and beautiful. If anyone has any suggestions I'd be grateful to hear them.
I like the "crickets song" its original
Leave this be now my boy, write about something new, something thats inspiring then come back to this, you are trying too hard and its Saturday a young strapping lad like yourself must go to a public house and be merry.
Ranger i've read some of your other works and although i respect your language and obvious intelligence sometimes when i'm reading your poetry i don't enjoy the piece at all because i'm so busy critiquing it as i go.
i have a just one piece of advice for you. stop trying to rhyme. anything. at all.
I know this might sound strange, but I agree with you on this. I have stopped attempting to rhyme because a) I'm not very good at anything more than the basics of it, and b) I find that it restricts what I can and can't write about.
I think that what people have missed for the two long ones (Am I still here and Epistemology) is that they are meant to be light hearted poems that don't stick to the subject of love and death that I find so many people write about all the time-I do a lot but most of my stuff's crap so I don't submit it. I was surprised at this one cause it seemed quite good and I like it. But yes, I do see what you're saying. Thanks for the comment.
Swap lines 5 and 6 and merge them. You have great potential, especially starting at such a young age. If this fulfills you, and puts a smile on your face, then continue to work at it. (9) I think you're close here.
Very close.
Thanks for the advice INT. I wonder if you could give me some indication as to what you would do? I'll muse it over awhile and have a play around with it.
hey it's good to see something from you. Your last post was in feb. Yet some how you have captured my ultimate night mare.
Ta, OTP, it's nice to know that the poem had that effect...kind of strange that it took this form after being started as a different poem-but I quite like it now.
very good! 8
YOU TRY TO HARD, your poems are full of intricacys they dont need, they are frankly souless as well there is no fire no passion. basically that describes all your poems, so thats 10 for effort, 0 for soul and 4 for over all so a total of 3 out of 10
Why are you in a bad mood with me?
I didn't want fire and passion in this because it's supposed to be a sad poem. Please also give me an example of an intricacy, this wasn't something I wrote deliberately to look clever, it was done in approx 10 mins and I later edited. Oh well, thank you for giving me your opinion.
Dostoyevsky? Is that pretentious or what? "Oh, look at me, I think that by naming myself after some literary giant, people will see me as a serious artist, blah blah blah....". You're a dick, kiddo, and as for "soul", you wouldn't know it if it jumped up and bit your itty-bitty balls off...
This called for better than you gave in the last line...please consider stating the fact: maternity ward, in some other way, (the blue booties dropped to the floor, dropped from her hand...something to state maternity ward...and then work on a fitting ending. This is such unique perspective..which I most enjoy tackling, myself. It asked to be re-read...and that is a good sign, if you ask me. It challenges beliefs and perspectives on what life is and means here...good stuff. Do it justice at the end. It's reads like (camera fades) instruction in a theatre production or filming. It went from real, and puzzling to shocking and thought provoking to...(camera fades)...it deserves more.
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something like that, but in your words. I'm giving a 9 here and be encouraged this I respect more than your other stuff.
Ta.