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His Dying Words (2nd draft) (Free verse) by Ranger

Time slowed, and for an instant it seemed Forever, he was granted The eternity he required To explain how much more he wished he'd loved her And within a fraction of a cricket's song His final breath floated away With the wonderful words she longed for As they dissipated into the echoes Of a deserted corridor "I love you too", she wept But her child would never know Just how much so Condolences and cards rang hollow The maternity ward faded to silence

Mr Pig 28-Feb-03/12:58 AM
Oh how delightful you have made a couple of amendments to the poem. I feel this may or may not help you. What you must try and engage here is the derelict open spaces and smells in the hospital, think of something fitting to connect that emptiness of the hospital corridors to the emptiness of ones emotions. If I ever walk in to a hospital the smell, and sounds always remind me of my late Aunt Violet. The last line is sweet young man but one thinks it would be beneficial for one to leave this poem a while and come back to it rabid with inspiration.
I bid you good day young sire.




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