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His Dying Words (2nd draft) (Free verse) by Ranger

Time slowed, and for an instant it seemed Forever, he was granted The eternity he required To explain how much more he wished he'd loved her And within a fraction of a cricket's song His final breath floated away With the wonderful words she longed for As they dissipated into the echoes Of a deserted corridor "I love you too", she wept But her child would never know Just how much so Condolences and cards rang hollow The maternity ward faded to silence

LilMsLadyPoet 1-Mar-06/8:56 PM
This called for better than you gave in the last line...please consider stating the fact: maternity ward, in some other way, (the blue booties dropped to the floor, dropped from her hand...something to state maternity ward...and then work on a fitting ending. This is such unique perspective..which I most enjoy tackling, myself. It asked to be re-read...and that is a good sign, if you ask me. It challenges beliefs and perspectives on what life is and means here...good stuff. Do it justice at the end. It's reads like (camera fades) instruction in a theatre production or filming. It went from real, and puzzling to shocking and thought provoking to...(camera fades)...it deserves more.




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