| Re: Reckoning by <~> |
9-Jan-06/7:07 PM |
"I have ifs, and you have me," What a way to live. Yet it's too often true.
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| Re: Cocoon by Caducus |
9-Jan-06/7:13 PM |
You've caped all line beginnings except Line 4.
Thirty two should be thirty-two.
I like hso hoping/longing in the last few lines.
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| Re: I, Ann Boleyn by http://mulberryfairy |
9-Jan-06/8:30 PM |
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| Re: portrait of powerlessness by digipoet |
9-Jan-06/8:37 PM |
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Try leaving off the last line, or make it the title.
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| Re: Oh Verrazano by Joe-joe |
10-Jan-06/10:37 AM |
Maybe it should be "low wage" rather than "no wage."
And maybe "fell from her" not "for her."
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
10-Jan-06/10:46 AM |
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Nice beginning. Could leave out "always" and the () around proximity. The ending is good too, but switching metaphors is troubling.
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| Re: Tulip by richa |
10-Jan-06/10:52 AM |
with neither a purse nor a name
or
with not a purse or a name
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| Re: the light of a truly bright day by digipoet |
10-Jan-06/10:58 AM |
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I agree. But a clever twist would be nice - maybe, A bright cloudy day, or somesuch.
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| Re: the man with the red pendant by pollywolly |
11-Jan-06/1:46 PM |
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Art interpretation carried too far.
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| Re: cat by Dental Panic |
11-Jan-06/1:49 PM |
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It would make a more news-worthy test if you were in that box instead of a cat. Now that would be dental panic.
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| Re: Intestinal Splash by cyan9 |
11-Jan-06/1:54 PM |
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After that dream, I don't need to ask. You had a nice day.
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| Re: The Hermit on the Thoroughfare by http://mulberryfairy |
11-Jan-06/2:01 PM |
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Some commas needed. Using some, implies they're all there, but no, I think.
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| Re: Window Washer (midtown) by ecargo |
11-Jan-06/2:08 PM |
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I saw a flagman once who made a dance of the mundane. It's inspiring - the window washer and your poem.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
12-Jan-06/5:50 PM |
Beautiful love poem.
"Naked Gods dropped their robes" - If they are naked, how do they drop robes?
"Enamel flints engulfed from desire" - Rhythm seems off.
I'd prefer not to see the "if" in the last line, but that's just me.
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| Re: The Prayer Vendor by Enkidu |
12-Jan-06/6:01 PM |
How does a smile become a martyr?
"craven deprications" Did you use a thesaurus for "cowardly blames"? Not that it matters, but simpler language goes down easier. Still, I like this.
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| Re: levity kiss by skaskowski |
13-Jan-06/12:49 PM |
I'm glad you explained that. But why not just let the first line be: Leviticus, levity kiss.
"singed with lipstick" is good.
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| Re: angst of the saints by calliope |
13-Jan-06/12:51 PM |
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It seems the last line should be, "i'm just as surprised as you when i reply."
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| Re: awakening by pollywolly |
15-Jan-06/2:11 PM |
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If it says what I think it might, it's a nice picture. Could you make it more clear, and say stand instead of stands?
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| Re: Do 20 always make this poem sense? by Prince of Void |
15-Jan-06/5:03 PM |
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To answer your title question, no. It would help to get the grammar right; but even then, I don't see that it makes sense.
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| Re: Whenever Forever Is by Enkidu |
15-Jan-06/8:13 PM |
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This is good,but I think present tense would be better than dodging, drinking, ratioining, etc.
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