Re: Disposal and Liberation by MacFrantic	24-Nov-06/9:39 AM
I've been there and had a similar thought. It's not badly stated.
Re: Wish I was a better lover by Prince of Void	25-Nov-06/7:35 PM
Without my current glass of wine, I’d say you’re spouting nonsense. As it is, I could meet you for a drink or two in JJ’s dimlit bar, and know exactly what you mean. A lover, after is said, and after all that Stephen Robins says, is meeting over wine and seeing eye to eye.
Re: Sonnet 1 (Nevermore - The last sonnet) by Schlinkey	25-Nov-06/7:46 PM
The world of rhymes is not “naught but jumbled chance.” Poe would not have said so, nor would his raven, Nevermore. Only this poem would and is.
Re: Swollen Tongue by MacFrantic	25-Nov-06/7:49 PM
I thought it was 1,764. Yes, I'm sure of it. And you will sleep again.
Re: Journey To The Centre Of The Loom by -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I.	26-Nov-06/6:04 PM
Mystically sullen. Kudos for complicity.
Re: Raising the nap by howl	26-Nov-06/6:12 PM
"pushes it forward" in the first verse tells me to stop reading. The idea isn't bad, but too many words and discontinuous thought.
Re: Sonnet 3 (Farewell my muse) by Schlinkey	27-Nov-06/2:50 PM
I agree with Ranger on the "do"s. I think you could make both of them "shall". The rhythm is good in all but Line 13. Try "And as this quarrel now ends, my tears shall run."
regarding some deleted poem...	27-Nov-06/2:53 PM
Would work better with a cyclical tone of peak and trough. Also the logic and grammar are off in some places. A good idea though.
Re: Wretch by MacFrantic	28-Nov-06/8:47 PM
Pretty neat, making all the lines of the same number of characters. And it has a good point to boot. Nice.
Re: sleep by nentwined	30-Nov-06/9:16 PM
good point
regarding some deleted poem...	1-Dec-06/7:43 PM
Not at all reckless, but obviously thought through. It comes accross vaguely, as if told by someone who works in morgue. But would not such a person know which bodies are in the morgue before entering? And how does the narrator know so much about the girl, or is it all inferred from the body's appearance? A good read in any case.
Re: Sonnet 2 (Eulogy for a clerk) by Schlinkey	1-Dec-06/8:07 PM
Sonnets don't have to be pentameter, not in modern circles anyway. But when you start that way and switch to four iambs in the last two lines, it sounds like a switch of gears. Also, in Line 3, scornful and grim are so similar that it sounds like one of them was added for pentameter's sake.
Re: Sonnet 5 (The Second Deluge) by Schlinkey	2-Dec-06/10:16 AM
You have the pentameter consistent this time. And it has the feel of old-time sonnets. But, again I find it constrained to the meter, and this time to the loss of meaning. For example, "perfect" adds little to "innocece" besides pentameter and overstatement. And "Deluge" has the accent on "uge." I could do no better with it, however, and think the best solution might be to give up on pentameter or on sonnet. Sorry, I have little respect for the form, and that's part of the problem.
Re: Milkman's Eyes by oneglove	5-Dec-06/9:42 AM
I bet it's a moving song. I hear a guitar played to a folky or country tune. It's hard to comment on a song without hearing the music, but this be good.
Re: The life of a clerk by Schlinkey	9-Dec-06/6:18 AM
"but 'ware" could be "beware" I think. Some repetition of ideas and a few too many words, like "always" in Line 2. "Fear not the scarecrow" is good.
Re: Particle Deceleration by MacFrantic	9-Dec-06/6:23 AM
The last two lines seem unsupported by the rest. I think "doom" is too telling; we get the point without it. Otherwise good.
regarding some deleted poem...	10-Dec-06/4:45 PM
The last 5 lines are good, and I mean that they say something important. However, they are not very poetic. You could write an essay, or you could work on structure and compelling language.
Re: untitled by MacFrantic	10-Dec-06/4:58 PM
Wow, you write a lot of poems! Are you trying to surpass me in poems posted? Lots of luck there, fella. My fear, however, is that you could be younger, and could win fifty years from now. All right, here’s the bitter ode from a woman’s tongue: You comment too little! Your comments are fewer than comments received, and this is not only bad etiquette, it’s contrary to the ode “It is more blessed to give than to receive.” So, get into the process – dialog, debate, comment. You’ll become a better poet. As for this poem, it’s pretty good. One of you better posts.
Re: From pains inside by Prince of Void	10-Dec-06/5:06 PM
Well, I will say that you do not comment enough. If you want to keep posting these true-to-your-name "void" poems, then go ahead. But when you post without commenting on the other poems, I have to think you are selfish, that you want only to receive, with no inclination to reciprocate. That is truly void.
Re: Cloche. by howl	10-Dec-06/5:11 PM
No period after "closed." Comma after "fire." Heck with it, all punctuation can go. "Like is done in the dumps" -> "as in the dumps" or somesuch.