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Sonnet 2 (Eulogy for a clerk) (Sonnet) by Schlinkey "Attend, my dear old friend" I said to him;
This grumbling, wistful man so stained with ink,
"Your scornful view on things is far too grim;
The ship you are on board is bound to sink."
He raised his almond eyes and looked at me;
Such vast and bitter pools of smothered sparks,
"You know quite well how I detest the sea."
Forever one to spout his snide remarks,
He sighed at last, a deep and tortured sound,
"Indeed today might be my very last;
If so; should I not stand and hold my ground?
The line is sadly none but mine to cast."
That day he died, my friend the clerk;
Upon his face, the same old smirk.
Up the ladder:
Strangers in a foreign land
Down the ladder:
Drivel
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 4.0
Posted: November 26, 2006 10:01 AM PST; Last modified: November 27, 2006 8:07 PM PSTWeighted score: 4.9525743 Overall Rank: 8856 Comments:
[8]
howl @ 81.179.116.59
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27-Nov-06/2:12 AM
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Reply
Like the curate's egg. I don't like 'Your scornful view on things is far too grim;'.
Another very readable sonnet, although again I'm unconvinced by the initial internal rhyming - it sets up an expectation that isn't carried through. It needs punctuation after each quote in order to satisfy the grammar nazi, and over here 'clerk' is pronounced 'clark' which screws up your final rhyme, but that's not really an issue. 'Almond eyes' is really good, conjures up cyanide connotations (works well with the death), and the last two lines are well worked.
Thank you for these points! I'll have to ponder hard on these internal rhymes which seem to be a problem in most my sonnets. To be honest, I'd completely forgotten the other way to pronounce "clerk". Darnit!
There's nothing wrong with internal rhymes - same as with end-rhymes - so long as they're consistent. I wouldn't worry about the English pronunciation; most English have forgotten it too.
Sonnets don't have to be pentameter, not in modern circles anyway. But when you start that way and switch to four iambs in the last two lines, it sounds like a switch of gears. Also, in Line 3, scornful and grim are so similar that it sounds like one of them was added for pentameter's sake.
True that. I switched on purpose though. Felt that tetrameter would do perfectly in the couplet :)
I don't really agree with scornful and grim being that similar. But I do, however, agree with you saying I've used some words to make the pentameter work. If I wanted to write modern stuff, I'd stick to wishy washy free verse, just jamming with words. Seeing as I'm not really skilled doing that, I'll keep fiddling with these older forms. That's the thing with writing in strict forms, it's not easy making it all slippery easy greasy to read. All over, I'm content though. If you have any suggestions as to make it better, I'll be happy to hear em :) 140 view(s)
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