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Sonnet 3 (Farewell my muse) (Sonnet) by Schlinkey
Desist your games, you dratted tricky sprite; Who over my poetic corpse would dance! This blinking presence reeks of wicked spite; Surcease your prance while you still have the chance. I see your eyes are fraught with great surprise, In truth, I hate the wicked words to come; For they are instruments of your demise. The time is now, I feel my tongue grow numb; Attend these words, my fay of endless hues; The day has come for me to say adieu, For you, my dear; whom I do call "my muse"; Rely on me, like I depend on you! And as this quarrel ends, my tears shall run; My muse is gone; a quest for words begun.

Up the ladder: The Slacker
Down the ladder: cryogenicide necrobot

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Arithmetic Mean: 2.5
Weighted score: 4.8814354
Overall Rank: 9967
Posted: November 27, 2006 2:18 PM PST; Last modified: November 27, 2006 8:06 PM PST
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Comments:
[9] Ranger @ 62.252.32.15 | 27-Nov-06/2:26 PM | Reply
I'd cut a few of the commas and replace them with alternative punctuation - purely for presentation. Other than that I enjoyed this, although I rarely like seeing the dummy auxiliary 'do' used, even in a classical style. If it's possible to edit that out, it might be worthwhile.
[n/a] Schlinkey @ 62.16.135.98 > Ranger | 27-Nov-06/2:28 PM | Reply
Haha! I've been fixing that as you wrote your comment. Thanks a lot for for putting that to my attention. Haven't really taken time to work out the punctuation in these sonnets. Hope it's a bit better now?
[9] Dovina @ 70.38.78.229 | 27-Nov-06/2:50 PM | Reply
I agree with Ranger on the "do"s. I think you could make both of them "shall". The rhythm is good in all but Line 13. Try "And as this quarrel now ends, my tears shall run."
[n/a] Schlinkey @ 62.16.135.98 > Dovina | 27-Nov-06/3:06 PM | Reply
Agree on the "do"s as well. Adding the "now" in line 13 would mess up the pentameter though. Thanks! :)
[9] Dovina @ 70.38.78.229 > Schlinkey | 27-Nov-06/7:48 PM | Reply
And AS this QUARREL now ENDS, my TEARS shall RUN
[n/a] Schlinkey @ 62.16.135.98 > Dovina | 27-Nov-06/8:00 PM | Reply
Quarrel, two syllables (QUARrel), no?
[9] Dovina @ 70.38.78.229 > Schlinkey | 28-Nov-06/9:31 AM | Reply
I prefer it as one syllable. It rings better that way, no?
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