zodiac
replying on Then what is the sleeve? by T. Jonathron Remp
1 Aug 2005, 10:28 PM
In poetry, "concrete" means the poem is in the shape of something. Do you mean to suggest this poem is shaped like a sleeve?
I know. But it took me about 15 minutes after leaving the internet cafe to realize you were probably thinking of the expression "صاÙع Ø°Ùب" (Saana' dhahab), or goldsmith. If that's the case صاÙع means "smith, maker, or manufacturer", not gold. Since posting the message above, I've asked Jordanians, Iraqis, Saudis, Egyptians, Syrians, and Lebanese if they know any other word for gold than "dhahab". They don't.
I know exactly what Arabs say for "hot" and "cool", slang and otherwise. In fact, I'm pretty weak at standard and Quraanic Arabic, spending most of my time communicating in a slangy dialect my wife and I call Arabic Jive.
'while you spin in your skin' - best part.
Great title.
I give you the apostrophe. Not the periods. The sentences have been cut by the stanzas. Why? Because of my breathing, I think.
As for the meaning of the poem, well, I'm afraid that if I try to explain it I'll ruin my chances of getting across what doesn't seem to make sense. If you know what I mean.
I really really like this
V1:
Inside of us all
A lingering loneliness
After the fall
I'm sure it will find us
Of this I'm...
Breaking away
Finding a darker place [FINDING A DARKENED PLACE]
Finding some shade where I can
Rest my head and rest my anger
Chorus:
You know it's true
The truth that makes my blood turn black
You know it's true
And if I could I'd give the truth right back [I LOVE THESE 2]
Finding all the broken corners
Where you left us all behind
To save yourself
From the darkness
The shape of shadows in your mind
V2:
Lead me today
Follow the road that cuts my heels
Far and away
I'm sure we'll escape now
Of this I'm...
Lying in silence
Fearful of sight and pain[FEARFUL OF MY INVASIVE PAIN]
Finding the point where all these
Ghosts came from to walk in my dreams [ THIS NEEDS A LITTLE WORK IT DOESN'T FLOW WELL]
SEARCHING FOR THE POINT,
ALL THESE GHOSTS INVADED OR CRASHED MY DREAMS
hope I could help.. this was very good
Penny
maybe needs a little more descriptive wording to get a really good mental picture
penny
wow, so true how many blame God first then other people places and things... forgiveness is the way to heaven? makes one think about the bitterness eating at the hearts of many indiviguals.. great
Penny
lol...we are all there some deeper then others.. let each word flow till they fill the page
Penny
oh I hope that you are not talking from experience.. but if you are this is very vivid and very emotional.. been there on the other side of the fit and I no it's no fun actually it's pretty scary stuff.. but well done in description!
Penny
If we all followed your advice in the first verse, we'd do better. Good;
I feel it. Good.
Some inconsistencies in punctuation:
leaves'
spoke.
rustling.
But what are you saying?
I hate these lines beween us, but see them too. The other line could be death, but could be the anti-line. I hope so.
I've got two questions about this.
1. Which part of what I said?
2. Of those infinite lines, how many definite lines would you draw between you and the coffee, and how many would you draw on the other side of you and the coffee, but between (you+coffee) and I? None? One? Many?
I detest the rhymes they puntuate the flow of the rhythm and meaning of this poem , they draw you from meaning to mere sound
Ilike the simplicity of the read to the lips,
what is poetry, if not the tongue, the lips and the head in unism...
how we go from resolution made to more resolute and cannot turn back,... learn those who can make it work they should not foul their chance for coming back after the line is drawn may only earn another hard- put line... love this....