ALChemy
on Creatures That Crawl To Me by D P Robertson
14 Oct 2005, 12:17 PM
Nice stab at Poe like verse but the poem goes absolutely nowhere.
"Caverns of creatures crawl". One too many on the alliteration. You can get away with that more with softer sounding vowels, as in "While I wondered weak and weary". Harder sounding vowels will start to sound like tounge twisters.
Good job staying true with the meter.
Holy cow! I hope you don't have halitosis when someone has to hear you read this to him or her.
The "!" after "happy" sounds kinda crazy.
Since when can't ghosts talk? Usually they aren't heard but...
First two lines don't make sense to me (Please explain) and you carry the metaphor for 3 verses and then abandon it for something completely different.
Should you lose the last line of S4? -Yes and also all of S4 and S5. Save most of S4 though for another poem. There's some good stuff in it. When every line in the first 3 stanzas are the same metaphor your kinda stuck with it and you got to stay with it.
Did you mean "Seppuku"?
Some real good lines in it though.
Please, check your spelling and grammar. I've counted at least 10 problems that need to be fixed (and that's including words like don't and won't which should really be apostrophized).
A dream of redundant fears. Could be a lot shorter, but maybe you wanted to stress the recurrance.
I answered in the negative or with unconcern to most of your questions, but "How many people would mourn you and cry?" is worthy of thought.
And maybe he didn't. The sister coming along late in the poem - ok, but confusing. Comma after "I think." Good overall.
For the gazillionth time, evolution is a theory that explains observations. It may not be the only theory that explains them, but it works much of the time. So, it's a good theory til something better coimes along. I hope you will at least agree with this.
I think at this point you're just being antagonistic for its own sake.
Way too long with nothing to say! I got bored well before the halfway mark. I'm not really sure what you're getting at, and the cyclic composition seems forced to me. Sorry.
We were put here to make plastic. Now that that's been done the earth has decided to exterminate us via tsunami, hurricanes and the bird flu.
See I thought the DP stood for Double Penetration.
One more thing after reading this again --- you are a great writer, and I mean that because I heard you say this out loud; if not here in my room, but the way you say your words without backpedaling. Yeah.
Omit the 1st 3 stanzas, they don't matter for for real writing out loud; after that, very good --- keep expressing that tough, genuine voice. Don't let your wallflower alter-ego write prefacing disclaimers for your really right-on, deadpan visions that speak for themselves. good job. 8.6
Seriously? And your name at the end? Wo. Seek help. Hee.
Redeeming qualities: the line "choking in kelp" is totally excellent, as is "gather your ghosts on liquid graves".
Not good ideas: repeating the word "creatures" ad nauseam (weird, but not in a good way?) and forced-feeling line breaks throughout, especially in the last stanza, which is actually focused, but over-importantly broken up for no good reason. Edit please, but still a good 7.8 for effort. Read it 3 times in fact.
great poem, check mine out
For an eight year old's first effort, all I can say it was very brave- awful but brave none the less- do you have any other interests to fill your day?
David
That really is a bit of dog's bollocks isn't it? From the illiterate "Finally did we loss ourselves?" that's "lose" I think, to the bog of cliches the reader finds themselves sinking in.
"Where I see you are still the love couldn’t perish
Let me sink in the ocean of divination and devotion"
The first line sounds like Yoda after sniffing deep thoughts from a paint tin and the second is just shit. However, there are some gems sprinkled throughout this and what you need to do is focus and edit. other than that
"it just divides us and it’s wearing me down"
David