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monday (Free verse) by ay deee
today is the day a fresh and sparkling start had a good rest dinner movie drinks friends fire dreams last night i dreamt i was drafted i was unprepared a mess of improper clothing no tools my sister got out of the truck crying and i hugged her she walked around this house with me suggesting what i needed while i struggled to find it i remember camo pants but plaid shirt my backpack sagging with a few worthless things the enemy was already moving in the streets they knew we were in there the sound of gunshots the pulse of fear i woke early and made french toast and coffee today is the day a fresh and sparkling start a new seat on my bicycle i am prepared

Up the ladder: Church
Down the ladder: save

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Arithmetic Mean: 4.8
Weighted score: 4.9761596
Overall Rank: 8345
Posted: October 10, 2005 7:02 AM PDT; Last modified: October 10, 2005 7:02 AM PDT
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Comments:
[8] zodiac @ 212.118.19.155 | 13-Oct-05/2:22 AM | Reply
This is really pretty good. I'd start from the second stanza and tighten it up a little. For example,

I was drafted
and unprepared

Or something such. Nice job.
[n/a] ay deee @ 204.90.50.252 > zodiac | 14-Oct-05/7:00 AM | Reply
thank you, i'll see what i can do...
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