Replying to a comment on:

monday (Free verse) by ay deee

today is the day a fresh and sparkling start had a good rest dinner movie drinks friends fire dreams last night i dreamt i was drafted i was unprepared a mess of improper clothing no tools my sister got out of the truck crying and i hugged her she walked around this house with me suggesting what i needed while i struggled to find it i remember camo pants but plaid shirt my backpack sagging with a few worthless things the enemy was already moving in the streets they knew we were in there the sound of gunshots the pulse of fear i woke early and made french toast and coffee today is the day a fresh and sparkling start a new seat on my bicycle i am prepared

zodiac 13-Oct-05/2:22 AM
This is really pretty good. I'd start from the second stanza and tighten it up a little. For example,

I was drafted
and unprepared

Or something such. Nice job.




Track and Plan your submissions ; Read some Comics ; Get Paid for your Poetry
PoemRanker Copyright © 2001 - 2024 - kaolin fire - All Rights Reserved
All poems Copyright © their respective authors
An internet tradition since June 9, 2001