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A life unsure (Free verse) by sliver For three and twenty years
He drank ambrosia,
Held that nectar by fear,
And choked on roses.
He drifted on fate
Looking for effect,
But he couldn't designate
Anything in retrospect.
His agility was found by chance.
In an act of restoration,
With a small sidelong glance
In the proper application.
He found Faith in Isolation,
Only a couple years too late,
When he gave his registration,
It was just something to investigate.
A Formal inquisition,
Into the corridors of his world
When he looked into the sun,
His life had been unfurled.
Now his clothes were torn and rent,
And nothing was as pure;
As the time that he had spent
When he was still unsure.
Up the ladder:
An All-American Fairy
Down the ladder:
A Fart For All Mankind
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 7.6363635
Posted: June 6, 2004 7:01 PM PDT; Last modified: June 7, 2004 8:22 PM PDTWeighted score: 6.318182 Overall Rank: 864 Comments:
[n/a]
titan69 @ 62.31.23.38
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7-Jun-04/12:50 PM
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Reply
yak. i have read better from you.no vote sorry!
[n/a]
sliver @ 63.189.16.178
> titan69
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7-Jun-04/9:38 PM
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Reply
Does a slight edit help you reconsider?
It had some good parts mostly, but theres a lot of wrinkles that weaken its effect.
You've been blessed with seven.
Personally, I like this a lot better now. Sounds kind of like a Phish song.
Thanks, I felt a change was in order.
Well, that earns a nine in my book. Nothings better than a nice good edit.
Yes you're doing well with this piece. Set it aside for a couple days, then read it aloud and listen and mark the spots that bug you. 8 keep going.
Do I have to wait? INvestigate still bugs me and I have a few Ideas.
1. You never tell us who he is, in relationship to you or the world. 0
2. What is the ambrosia, the fear, the roses? 0 3. Designate what? 0 4. Drifting where? 0 5. Retrospect? So far there's nothing to look at backwards or forwards. 0 6. His agility was found by what act? 0 etc. etc. etc... Everything in this poem is completely vague, how can the audience relate to or feel the emotion of something without emotion. Can you tell me what the emotion is in this poem? No, I didn't think so. I don't have time to keep repeating myself over and over again when I read a poem that's completely in trouble. Take a class, pay someone to help you, or read books on writing poetry. Nothing in your work is clear or dramatic. You show terrible taste in your choice of words. Personally, I honestly don't think you'll ever be any good at writing poetry. Poets are born not made. You can improve, but only so far. You're poetically tone deaf. there are you happy now?
Much.
Ok...i found talent in the family! It wasn't a lost cause...
10!~ 384 view(s)
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