wilco
on YOUR OWN PLEASURE by Zoe
5 Dec 2005, 1:48 PM
What form is this? The repetition gets a little old (maybe just because there are so many stanzas...It's interesting and some of it is very pretty. I could stand to read a shorter version but I can live with it if you can. ;)
Also, the title in all caps is a bit annoying...something of a no, no 'round here.
Another one that sounds like a Metallica song..try shortening it and tightening it up...there's about half of this that you don't need. I think people tend to make free verse poems longer than they need to be simply because they look too short. If you're not writing in a certain form that requires a certain number of lines, you probably don't need as much as you think.
For some reason as I read this I took on the spirit of John Denver. Perkiest I've felt in weeks.
YEEHAW! Thank God I'm a country boy.
thank u for the advice, i strive to grow. thanks again for the kind words
Thanks for the mondegreen link. :)
I'm stunned by the poem.
A haiku is supposed to have three things:
1. A clear image
2. A clear emotion
3. A clear philosophical message
The image is not so clear to me as it seems to be two images - maybe you need to stick with the cherry image. The emotion seems to be hiding sadness with pride. But what is the philosophical message?
This is interesting. It reminds me of Oriental poetry - Li Po etc. I like it, but maybe it is a little sentimental at the end - Oriental poetry is often about repressed emotions and this makes it moving. Perhaps a pinch of that may help here.
I like the repetition here, but perhaps you need to break the form - maybe write it in blank verse instead to keep a restraint as the rhymes sound a bit ding-dong if you know what I mean?
This is interesting. I guess I hadn't thought about making the senetences sound old in this way. I'll have a think.
Thnaks for this. It's very useful. I tend to assume that people are going to follow along with me and forget about explanantions, but I think that you may be right. Thanks again! I'll think about what you said.
I thought about asking you how much of this is accurate but I figured above 80% and considering 100% is beyond possibility that ain't too bad. I figured you started with the chorus and went from there. Some of the correlations are just downright spooky.
Of grammar, sound, meaning in Arabic, and meaning in English, something had to give. Turns out they all did a little.
I notice no one's asking what, to me, is the crucial question: "How correct is this?" (The answer: "about 92%, and the chorus is a total coup.")
Or bleed from his forehead for almost no reason.
Yes. Once. They were (and I think still are) living in Charlotte, NC. Try as I may, I couldn't get Rick to do that distinctive hooting thing he does.
If you called it a lyric poem I might have been more impressed. This is one of those meant to be said not read poems. Sounds like excerpts of Bob Dylan songs.
It's a Mondegreen. The only one I've seen in a different language than the song it imitates and also one of the few that makes some literal sense. It's hard enough to do a good one using just one language let alone two. Try it sometime, it's fun.
http://www.fun-with-words.com/mala_monde
For now I'll just analyze the first stanza and then you can see if you can identify any possible flaws in the others.
You should lose either "Going" or "I travel" as it is restating the obvious and is obviously a space filler.
"Home" is also unneccessary. Change "packed" to over-packed. It will intensify the crowded feeling.
Say "In the middle of a changing tide" This will emphasize the double meaning as being mid-event tide and mid-location tide. Say outstretched instead of "stretched out" to avoid your adjective being confused as a verb.
So now we have:
Traveling to class and back
on a boat that's overpacked
in the middle of a changing tide.
Land outstretched on either side.
Now you have room to add:
Traveling the hours to class and back
on the bow of a boat that's overpacked
in the middle of a changing summertide.
Land outstretched on either side.
You also get some enjambment this way.
You have great rhythm and flow but you need to maximize as much effect into each line as you can to hold an ever-distracted modern audience's attention. So write like 3 or 4 versions of the same poem before you settle.
Now if only I can get myself to listen to my own advice more often. -8-
Unusual for a haiku to put such a quaintly demented picture across, pleasurable to experience. I have to agree with zodiacs comment though, haiku's irritate me, they seem like poems that could be so much more.
Excellent Flow (not quite water tight) and the image of the pull from left to right was intensely and clearly put. I dont think I needed to hear the last two verses though, and I think it could end on "calling me back to do repair".