cyan9
on Light within darkness by Caducus
5 Dec 2005, 1:50 AM
nicely meloncholly sentiment, but sadly void of other aspects of poetry (rich language, structure, rhythm, rhyme, assonance...)
What it spears with potency it lacks in elegance.
All the more reason to send them a good song.
That kinda has 18 syllables....
Of course I did (and still do on occasion, but I don't think that Bon Jovi could rock his way out of a paper bag these days.
It's all Modest Mouse covers, or really interpretations is more the word. PUSA...a band I haven't thought about in a while.
Facade.
Nope can't make that little tail thingy appear under my "C".
I just heard some samples. I guess it's all covers.
Sounds like acid folk rock with a little Arab infuence. His voice reminds me of Presidents of the United States of America lead singer Chris Ballew.
You mean you didn't rock out to "Livin' on a prayer" back in the day?
I hope the 9 I gave you helps mend the wound.
In an unrelated comment...the new Sun Kil Moon album is amazing.
Bon Jovi?! Sir you have wounded me.
That is most definitely not what I'm doing.
It seems you're comparing a mill (sawmill, gristmill) to a run down apartment, or vice versa. Other than that confusion, it's cool.
An excellent post, as usual.
She sat there staring
at our old pictures wondering
who was living then
First off, don't start a poem with "there are no words" and "there is no way to explain how I feel"....If there's no words and there's no way to explain it why did you write it? Better yet, why am I reading it?
This is a love letter, not a poem. It COULD be a poem if you look in there and find the poetry in it.
Alright, lookit...you've got to get it out of your head that you have to rhyme to make a poem work. You're putting stuff in here just to make it rhyme. You could say this exact same thing with three lines and it would sound more poetic.
It's not just horrible bad, but it's just not good either. It doesn't hold my attention, it doesn't make me think, and it doesn't make me think "yeah..I know what she's feeling...I've felt that way".
I read every comment that I receive, and I save the good ones in my "Improvement List" on my computer. I like to read them just to see if my new work fits what I have been asked to do. Sometimes it does fit, sometimes it doesn't.
That came out so good that now I'm actually kinda frightened of you. I defy John Updike to do something like this. 10+
"Grandma it's me, Brandon."
"Oh my god! Are you here to rape me? HELP, HELP, RAPE!"
"No grandma it's me your grandson Brandon."
"Oh god. HELP! Henry, the rapist is trying to rape our grandson!"