ALChemy
on Popular Lovers by wilco
4 Dec 2005, 7:01 AM
Send this to Bon Jovi.
...And we without.
But you will.
One as I.
You and I as nothing.
Everything we,
a we(e) nothing therefor(e).
I knew there was some good poetry in there.
ALChemy
replying on Calenders, Painters and the Boy who imagined Everything by avery
4 Dec 2005, 6:37 AM
I once was, sort of. Whenever I fell in the campfire I didn't burn very well. Probably 'cause I was usually covered with my spilt bear/vomit/piss soaked clothes.
You dated Rick Flair's daughter?
Have you seen Hulk Hogan's daughter? 2 more years and counting.
Ace.
But it's like repetition trying not to sound repetitious and always failing. It affects me no differently than if it didn't use the same 6 words at the end. Seems more like a parlor trick to me. At least your's was a unique version.
Sometimes I write a poem without rhyme and then make it rhyme while adding as few new words or new ideas as possible. Maybe that could work for you?
"we cringed with the rhapsody"?
Frost famously said he'd sooner play tennis with the net down than write poetry without rhyme or meter. He respected good free-verse writers, but he himself wouldn't know what to say without some structure and limitation guiding him. Frost, though, had to bust his ass to make rhyme and rhythm work for him, rather than the other way around. I believe there are at least a dozen things in this poem you wouldn't have normally said except for the rhyme. I admit, sometimes the weird connections you make in rhyme are magical, sublime, spontaneous. But had/dad and heart/start/part are not those times. I don't suggest writing free verse. I'm suggesting working harder on your rhymed verse.
I am a big fan of rhyming free verse, but think you might
(1) enjamb more, like you did well in the first three lines of the fourth stanza,
(2) not use "amidst" for something singular like "tide",
(3) scent's, not scents',
(4) tighten up your message and phrasing just a little.
Welcome to poemranker!
It's a good story.
Haikus are overrated.
You should expand this.
The second stanza is good, but not really a sentence. The last line should be that she's the romantic or you're not romantic. You're not the one who thinks the wine looks like Jesus.
Once again -
At best, you're only able to express a nine-word thought here. That is, you can't even express as sophisticated a thought as any of the sentences in this comment do - which, incidentally, aren't very sophisticated. Don't you think that limits your poetry just a little?
I do wish you'd occasionally acknowledge some of our comments. At least so we'll know you're choosing to disregard our criticisms and continue in your chosen style, rather than thinking - as we do - that you're just ignoring us or illiterate. If you respond, I promise to never post this comment again.
zodiac
replying on Calenders, Painters and the Boy who imagined Everything by avery
4 Dec 2005, 2:36 AM
You're obviously not a lush. I thought it was touching.
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.ph
Like
An empty page but afraid to look
because I might see that time we did nook-
ie in the Walmart bathroom and I got VD
from an extremely unsanitary urinal cake.
To say you've done it. Ideally, for that poetic value of repetition we were talking about earlier.
You know these, right?
http://www.poemranker.com/poem-details.j
I believe if races were miscegynated to unrecognizability, people would just find new measures of difference, like genetic susceptibilities or penis size. In some parts of the Middle East where everybody is related (and therefore exactly the same color) people who drive Ladas (http://home.hetnet.nl/~ghpcaubo/russian
I think that you could maybe turn this into a free verse and give a little more info..don't give so much that it paints a FULL picture, but I just don't think the Haiku form gives you enough to get much of anything across here.
I'm not a big fan of rhyming in free verse...some can do it and do it well, but for most people it just keeps them bound. Why not try writing what you want to say without the rhyming scale.
I think you sacrificed a lot of the substance of what this could have been for the sake of rhyme. I'd suggest working on it and saying what you want to say without putting the burden of rhyme in there.