I'll be the first to admit that lyrics can be decieving because they may sound great with music. This just doesn't work too well on the page, though.

Good grief, Charlie Brown...let's get a spell checker on this. "I rope would be tied"? - what the hell does that mean? Try putting a little thought into your poem...I think it took me longer to read it than it took you to write it.

my god

First two verses are weak. Does this ring a bell? "Where, oh where are you tonight? Why did you leave me here all alone? I searched the world over and thought I found true love. You met another and Phht! you were gone." The rest of it seems to work ok.

"fiery fireplaces burn with a warm lush" is the worst thing I've ever read. Ever. It seems like you tried to cram every poem you ever wrote into 4 stanzas. I see potential in you though. -5- This should give you room to either improve or decline.

It seems most of the times Jesus wept in the bible it was followed by a resurrection. I'm not sure if that's any consolation to you or not but... http://www.soulfoodministry.org/docs/JesusWept.htm

Was she giving you a blowjob in the second stanza? Give her this poem. Maybe she'll give you another one. A little sappy though. -7-? Nah, I'll giv'im an -8-

See comments on this page and relate. http://www.poemranker.com/poem-details.jsp?id=134444

"No more, love more hand to hold"? Check this out: An empty page but to afraid to look Wanting to see an unfinished book Unwritten words between you and me Undone deeds scared to be seen Another chapter, more hand to hold No more, love forever untold Secrets unspoken to fill up my head One more thought when they need to be said Another chapter to keep on the light No more reasons, I will never write With one last chance for us to try You turn from me and say goodbye. Like refrigerator poem magnets. Think of things about you and your lover that are unique. Like "No more Vodka semen shots."

Either "momentarily," or ", momentary". The only way I can think of to make racism disappear is for every guy to start impegnating only girls of a different race. In a thousand years or so it'll be too hard to tell the difference between us. I've only passed through The Bronx on the way to Kennedy and from what little of it I saw it was filthy.

"momentarily depression invaded the time" doesn't make sense. I like the rest of this, but I think you should figure out what you're trying to say before you say it to us. The more I reread, the more this seems all over the place. And contradictory. And of course races can dominate and be separate. Demographic studies show America is the most segregated it's been since the 50s. Just ask Dovina. She doesn't even personally know any black people.

Writing poems like this is sloppy work. You just make one-line sentences like a jerk. They don't even have to be related. Rick Flair's daughter is someone I've dated. Why not try running a thought through a line end? Because that would require you to have a thought.

I think you need to use some conjunctions and articles. Right now the condensed sentences sound too modern for a story that seems like an old folktale. Impressive nonetheless. -9-

Doesn't really make sense to use birth as a weird verb when you're just repeating it in the next line. You need punctuation at the end of line2, I think. At any rate, it seems like you're trying to say "With every waking there are three of them" and not "It's a painful birth with every waking". Actually, neither way really works for me. I'm getting from your poems that you know alot of things God does that other people don't normally know. How is that? Is that right? I think no, not when it's just as easy to express some uncertainty about it, to emphasize (for example) that it's what you (or, better, a character) IMAGINES God doing. - sleep my children, not sleeps. "Dreaming to be born" is sloppy grammar. Yes it can mean "they dream in order to be born", but it doesn't mean "they dream of being born", so you're not getting your first meaning out of it, much less your subtext. What? Your children never have to dream? What? What the hell? Are they protozoans?

Better than your usual.

I would suggest not ever, ever using archaic grammar. Especially "doth". Even Shakespeare wouldn't have written that - not when he could just as easily say the same thing with "golden rays reign".

With a thumping beat I can see it working. But the vocals would have to be almost inaudible.

Wow, nice writing. My only criticism is you seems like you're missing some explanation - what's up with the fire and what it has to do with the herons, for starters. Yeah, on a second or third read, I can kind of guess, but my honest opinion is it needs a line, a half-line of explanation. Maybe: 1.) More details of the fire. 2.) More connecting the fire to the flood. 3.) The timing - so the bird came before the fire? That's kind of jarring. 4.) Who's saying all of the lines in quotes. 5.) What exactly happened to the bird? 6.) Who are the boatmen, what's their deal? And a couple others. I'm not stupid or a bad reader. I'm just having a hard time piecing this together. I think it might help to consider your action/story/whatever like a movie or nature-hike: start by looking at one thing, pan to the next, pan to the next, pan to the next, and so on. That said, you sure can write. Golly.