god'swife
on your garden by nothingtoanyone
21 Jun 2004, 7:20 PM
Preaching is not poetry.
Do people really seem immune to you?
That last line...
I was thinking that if you want to keep it, maybe saying a specific kind of bug would add quite a bit. Like "a stinkbug";
"no matter, it was only a stinkbug"
Shuushin
on On the Discovery of Simple Sam and A Russian Catastrophe by MacFrantic
21 Jun 2004, 6:19 PM
Quite nice, both.
definitely not the world's worst line B:
"Now she's
getting jealous cuz Im sleeping in
your shirt."
There is something universally appealing about a woman in a man's shirt.
fourth stanza rocks - I think it should be the last one (kill the last stanza).
S3 lines 1-5(maybe 6)are good. The rest is not. You're writing doesn't follow any kind of comprehensible path. Except those 6 lines I mentioned.
hey!
this is a very good idea with the hands of the clock physically pulling lovers apart -
Its such a good idea that you should form it in at least a dozen ways and pick your favorite to do it justice.
Right now, without sounding too harsh I hope, it just sits there happy on the merit of the idea - imagine the impact it would have if said more poetically?
heheh - this is good.
I seem to be late and lone in my opinion, but this was effectively captivating.
As a footnote, the suffix *-ias* means a speech, or figure of speech, designed to move the passion.
Check the typos. If the music rocks hard enough this could be pretty good. As a poem it's too simplistic for my tastes, but with it's got loads of commitment.
L4 try:
"A craving deepened by our thoughts of past"
L9:
"Just ask again and you'll encounter scorn"
not too shabby, not too shabby at all. An extra bit for a sonnet.
one of the better free-form pimples in a while.
great hook with seranade
I don't like the verb agreement here:
"Shake the spiders from my mind
and let it eat me up inside."
I know that you could mean "it" is something else, but its not intuitive - save the trouble of deciphering and make the quantities agree, imho.
what you think about using "spake" instead of "spoke"?
I think "daggar" s/b "dagger" unless you a punning a character (it could happen!)
nice one.
It is clearly a retelling of the risen Christ, and well told.
nice to see "ringforts"
As I am a lesbian trappen in a man's body, I can understand your plight.
Mac-Daddy-Fan, nice job.
I wouldn't mind seeing a version that is less of a series of snapshots, less list-like.
should "bearing" be "baring" as in exposing themselves?
So, although I'd prefer a bit more flow, these ideas leave some solid impressions anyway.