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Conscription (Free verse) by Caducus Long after falling
He is found,
On fields of fastened limbs.
In one eager hand
A finger curled on bent steel
Keen to take life.
In the other hand
A Mother rolled
Desperation eviscerated her
In to rips,
from the last embrace.
The un-immaculate life
Now Immaculate.
His top pocket checked
For a letter or trinket
This time a letter
Written in capitals
Charred at the end
Pristine at the start.
Back home,
In a street of drawn curtains
The telegram boy arrives
Recently conscripted
To deliver the dearly departed
In dreadful clatters,
Where sons fall once again
But this time fall softly
Like the words whispered before he left
'See ya soon Mam'.
Up the ladder:
Stuffy
Down the ladder:
The man of steel
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 7.818182
Posted: June 14, 2004 2:26 PM PDT; Last modified: June 16, 2004 12:15 PM PDTWeighted score: 6.409091 Overall Rank: 762 Comments:
[n/a]
god'swife @ 4.232.69.69
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14-Jun-04/8:35 PM
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Reply
Great title, but you fall into the abyss at the 3rd line. It's a nice idea, how is it you always put to much sauce on the biscuits?
S3 lines 1-5(maybe 6)are good. The rest is not. You're writing doesn't follow any kind of comprehensible path. Except those 6 lines I mentioned.
Okay GW I will explain but am surprised you never got this because as metaphors go they're not too challenging.
Mother rolled : photo in his hand desperation eviscerated her into rips from the last embrace: the charge, the fear and adrenalin making him squeeze on to the photo in comfort thus ripping her. the unimmaculate life, now immaculate: from a working class man in rags to a soldier, a hero, immortalized and immaculate, memorable not forgetable. top pockets cheacked for a letter or trinket: as was the case in battlefields those with a home address were contacted so telegrams could be sent quicker. the letter written in capitals: a reference to his age (14) shows his immaturity. Lord Litcheners recruitment of soldiers under the conscription age was a well known controversy, he sent marshals to intimidate any young man walking a street in england laden them with guilt and almost forced to sign, ignoring the age. charred at the end pristine at the start : letter burning in the battlefield also synonymous with his life. As a child pristine as a soldier charred -dead. As a man ...it never happened his life was cut short. The end stanza is self explanatory. Why did you think this one in particular is incomprehensible? 320 view(s)
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