Free verse № 142756
Freud Spoke Of A Mother's Tongue, But I Interpret Dreams
Every image is disguised under normal circumstances-
Now, to be extraordinary
Sleep must fall like ash
-blot the sky
And then a strange medicine will arise, blind and blessed
As if a clock-face were some lunar arc
-her name is Celeste
The secret is in words which murmur;
while lying,
prone to doubling up
lithe, nearly unconscious long
slumber as smoke from a gun, placed
by the hip - not eyes - in grace
Pupils closed, to cite...
...owl, owl of agony with a dark stare which winds upwards
Owl with butterfly wings
Peacock left, a gatekeeper's right
To close beneath the night gale's whispering
Why so soundless, vision, when carrying this message of loss?
A song would be appropriate for a night bird flying
Danger soaring past the scene
Past walls, God, scent,
Past jasmine...
Awakening is like the new flame
Flicker uncertainly
Unconvinced
Yet the owl spoke true-
She left me that day
29 comments
You are avoiding commas at the ends of lines, maybe because you said my last one had too many of them. In general, I think punctuation is appropriate on a poem of this complexity, including commas as needed for grammar at the ends of lines. The first two lines threw me for awhile. I would change them to:
Every image is disguised under normal circumstances.
Now, to be extraordinary,
Another nit: "lithe, nearly unconscious,"
Slips of the tongue doesn't feature here. On one level it's about his theory that dreams, when from the language of the subconscious, are often based on puns rather than direct signifier/signified relations. Therefore the words are 'doubling up', 'near unconscious langue'. And there are others in there too.
Question: did you find this written from the point of view of the therapist or from the point of view of the dreamer?
Will have a comb through the punctuation.
I took it as a dream interpreter's POV who could also be the dreamer. The title is confusing because of mixing past and present tenses.
Qustion: If dreams are based on puns, why not consider the "slip of the tongue" feature of a persons mother tongue, especially since you mention it in the title?
R.E. slips of the tongue - they are addressed even though they don't feature too prominently. It's in stanza 2.
Many thanks again for commenting, my writing's in a pretty dire state at the moment and I need the help getting back on track.
Hope to catch you over the weekend sometime, finally the ranker participation is starting to pick up again and things look promising. All we need now is ALChemy back and poemranker will be its usual self!
*10*
Somehow you and my husband will be able to get along well with topics like this. Probably he'll be able to give you a valid critique on this.
From my point of view, I don't seem to be getting anywhere far with this. It ain't particulary clear.
For my next act I have a poem which you might find more to your tastes. How up to date are you with this 'gospel of Judas'? You'll be more interested in my next submission, methinks.
How are things these days anyway? And have you seen ALChemy recently?
And chat. this is something that PR's rarely make use of. Otherwise it would be more fun to log in together and have a hearty debate. Is there much problem to logging in to chat?
I never seem to have any trouble.
As for ' Gospel of Judas", I have my opinins.... strong ones against it.... but depends what you write. Would love to see it though.
The poem I wrote is (in keeping with my recent preferences) epically ambiguous. I'd like to think that people will read it and end up thinking 'he is totally for it' or 'he is totally against it', but what I'm afraid will happen is that people will finish it thinking 'what is he going on about?' I shall withold my actual ideas about it until after I've posted, and probably until I get the chat working.
Righto, now I have to depart for a while, I'll catch you if you're still about later, if not, tomorrow!
I read the comments concerning therapists and patients, but I never associated the poem with either; they're far too mundane. This poem is a dream; and I read it just as though I were waking up, trying to piece together bits and pieces of an idea which was blindingly clear just the instant before I awoke. All I can recall at this moment are scattered pictures; flickering memories; a swoop in the distance. And she left me.
Second read:
I can see the dream interpretation theme in the first verse, particularly in the first line of every stanza. It would seem as though the first line describes a reality, and the following lines the dream. They could, in fact, be read separately and still make sense.
I did however enjoy the puns, although I seriously doubt I figured them all out, though. And of course, your trademark ;-)
Solid 10 for a indecently beautiful piece of work. I love a poem that makes me think. But beware of loading your stuff down with too many underlying meanings; you might be too subtle for the rest of us. :-)
Just got your email - I'll reply asap but am also stuck in academia (damn essays) so it may take a little while...glad you liked the story too!
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