on Tomorrow's Dance by RevHydra
3 Jun 2004, 11:34 PM
reading it several times helps... believe me, i agreed with god'swife at first, but it starts to resemble something
on smokestack blues by wilco
31 May 2004, 7:23 PM
i work in the music industry, and as far as a lyric goes this would be extremely difficult to put to music. as a regular free verse poem i'd give this a 9, but as a lyric i have to drop to an 8. very good imagery, by the way
on The Folded Ways Your Eyes Cave by horus8
31 May 2004, 7:21 PM
villanelles are tough poems to keep fresh from stanza to stanza with all the line repetition... very well done, solid on the form and vivid in content.
on Spitballing by INTRANSIT
31 May 2004, 7:19 PM
"they, in horror, looked on" breaks the flow of a limerick, and i agree that the last line is weak. take out the commas from the horror line and that part is fixed... the rest is up to you
while the quality of your poems is staying constant, you need to find new material... go back to all of your poems; how many, when summed up, have the same underlying inspiration? if you're still having trouble leaving this topic, try telling it from one or both of the guy's perspective(s), could be interesting
on California triolets by zodiac
7 May 2004, 12:40 AM
I have only one criticism. Could you have used a different phrase for being very tired? Perhaps dead tired instead of dog tired? I'm being picky, but I was continually hung up on the word "dog." Otherwise the poem is extremely well done, I agree with everyone elses comments... wonderful imagery.
replying on Call of the Marine by ggawrysi
3 May 2004, 1:19 AM
Read Citizen Soldier... I'm having a brain lapse on the author. Great book, even if you don't like the war genre. Stephen Ambrose, that's the author.
replying on Call of the Marine by ggawrysi
3 May 2004, 1:15 AM
Actually, the rhyme was unintentional; it just kind of happened. I kind of liked it, though I'm not sold... suggestions on a different word for either brain or slain?
replying on Call of the Marine by ggawrysi
2 May 2004, 11:11 AM
I guess that I left knot in the singular for the internal rhyme, but it could flow better your way; truth be told I was hung up on that line trying to decide which way to leave it. I also like your idea for the truth- you part. However, there is always victory, always a winner and a loser in every situation. Someone has to come out on top, even if it's only by a fraction of a second, a fraction of a percentage point, or one more kill on the field. Oh yeah, and I definitely should have used desert instead of jungle.
on Thoughts Controlled by a Slow Server by <Wankster>
2 May 2004, 12:47 AM
an interesting use of the programming variety
on LOVE-ABOVE LISTE by Everyone
2 May 2004, 12:46 AM
holy crap, so long and boring i had to fast forward to the comment box... cut out about 2/3 of the poem bits, please
on Russian Space Station by wilco
2 May 2004, 12:35 AM
i feel like i already voted on this... did you modify the poem? maybe it was my imagination.
on Simply beautiful by tre
2 May 2004, 12:28 AM
i agree with hypatia... too much telling, perhaps not enough showing or representing. cutting it down some could greatly improve it, but a solid start ;-)