Help | About | Suggestions | Alms | Chat [0] | Users [0] | Log In | Join
Poem: Submit | Random | Best | Worst | Recent | Comments   

The Folded Ways Your Eyes Cave (Villanelle) by horus8
I can show you why, but I cannot save You from yourself, and The folded ways your eyes cave. Dead ending lies, and flies, and skies pave Me a brickroad over a No Man's land I can show you why, but I cannot save. You thought I was going to beg and crave Well guess again, because I cannot stand The folded ways your eyes cave. I watched madness sweep you up in its wave That was not expected; Not what you planned? I can show you why, but I cannot save. You found such pleasure in the pain you gave Out by the second, wasn't it grand? The folded ways your eyes cave. What began as love forced me to slave Away at the image of what was at hand I can show you why, but I cannot save The folded ways your eyes cave.

Up the ladder: The Poemranker Poe-lease
Down the ladder: Char

You must be logged in to leave comments. Vote:

Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
10  .. 40
.. 20
.. 10
.. 00
.. 00
.. 00
.. 00
.. 00
.. 00
.. 03
.. 10

Arithmetic Mean: 6.2727275
Weighted score: 5.6363635
Overall Rank: 2172
Posted: May 26, 2004 9:08 AM PDT; Last modified: May 26, 2004 9:08 AM PDT
View voting details
[9] zodiac @ | 26-May-04/9:21 AM | Reply
The only part of this that isn't ace is "to beg and crave". No, I don't know how to fix it.
[9] zodiac @ | 26-May-04/9:25 AM | Reply
Maybe you could do something like,

"If you thought I was going to beg, to crave
You, guess again, because I cannot stand..."

And I like "way" better than "ways".
[n/a] horus8 @ > zodiac | 26-May-04/1:52 PM | Reply
I did for a 'while' too, but then I changed my mind, twice now.
[n/a] horus8 @ > zodiac | 26-May-04/1:53 PM | Reply
Because her eyes fold in so many different ways, I've come to discover, unfortunately.
[9] zodiac @ > horus8 | 28-May-04/4:36 AM | Reply
Isn't the 'folded way' only one of many ways that her eyes cave? How many ways can one's eyes cave that can be described as 'folded'?
[10] francis nor capule @ | 26-May-04/10:12 AM | Reply
the folded way your eyes caved.... nice
[10] ggawrysi @ | 31-May-04/7:21 PM | Reply
villanelles are tough poems to keep fresh from stanza to stanza with all the line repetition... very well done, solid on the form and vivid in content.
[n/a] pain killer @ > ggawrysi | 2-Jun-04/2:15 PM | Reply
oh bollocks...pretentious twattery from a person who has got nothing better to do with their life than spend it all on this site and writing dull pretentious twattery judging bythe anmount of crap he/she has posted up on here. i was hoping you'd surprise me horus. i was wrong. horus8...king/queen of the poemranker sad fuxwit
[n/a] pain killer @ > pain killer | 2-Jun-04/2:17 PM | Reply
the folded way your eyes really like thaat line don't you..really proud of that good you used it four times
[9] zodiac @ > pain killer | 2-Jun-04/2:21 PM | Reply
It's a villanelle, you dimwit.
[n/a] horus8 @ > zodiac | 2-Jun-04/2:24 PM | Reply
Dude, was that you singing? Or did you just mix it all? (Your music that is) Not because I care really, but I must tell you. I was impressed. Very original, funny, and quite different. We could actually tour together, are you interested?
[9] zodiac @ > horus8 | 2-Jun-04/3:42 PM | Reply
We just broke up yesterday because I'm moving to the Middle East in a month. When I get back, I'll still be under 30. I'll give you a call.

I sang the Raleigh track and co-mixed.
[n/a] horus8 @ > zodiac | 2-Jun-04/2:27 PM | Reply
I'd like to introduce you to my manager. She's hot, smart, and really great to work with.
[n/a] -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. @ > horus8 | 2-Jun-04/4:07 PM | Reply
And she gives one helluva prawnjob.
[n/a] horus8 @ > pain killer | 2-Jun-04/2:22 PM | Reply
I used it 4 times because this is a villanelle you idiot, look it up, LMAO! ASL?!!!! You fucking lapsnorkle. ha ha
[n/a] pain killer @ > horus8 | 12-Jun-04/2:04 PM | Reply
oh boys boys..what's a villanelle, pray do tell?
i'm only a poor misguided and poorly educated country boy and i don't kow what a villanelle is

what a pair of fucking saps

do you want me to spread it on your toast as well


[n/a] horus8 @ > pain killer | 13-Nov-04/12:00 AM | Reply
120% fudge; You nigger.
313 view(s)

Track and Plan your submissions ; Read some Comics ; Get Paid for your Poetry
PoemRanker Copyright © 2001 - 2021 - kaolin fire - All Rights Reserved
All poems Copyright © their respective authors
An internet tradition since June 9, 2001