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Call of the Marine (Acrostic) by ggawrysi
B efore you leave the L oading dock, getting ready to board the O sprey, gun in hand and paint O n face, the jungle calls, war in a D istant place. A ll your brothers have muscles with a knot, though N ot an arm or a leg, but a brain D efying the truth. You could be slain. G od willing you'll be home in six months. U nder supervision and leadership T rying times will end, but with what? S alvation or sweet victory?
Up the ladder: Black Magic
Down the ladder: The Stifling Moment
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Arithmetic Mean: 6.368421
Weighted score: 6.3035226
Overall Rank: 871
Posted: May 1, 2004 10:18 PM PDT; Last modified: May 1, 2004 10:18 PM PDT
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Comments:
[8] deleted user @ 68.66.196.168 | 2-May-04/9:11 AM | Reply
I like most of this, but think "jungle" could be desert - more current - the Iraq war.
Suggestions only:
muscles with a knot -> muscles with knots
truth. You -> truth - you
The last line irks me because there is no victory in my opinion.
[n/a] ggawrysi @ 147.9.151.22 > deleted user | 2-May-04/11:11 AM | Reply
I guess that I left knot in the singular for the internal rhyme, but it could flow better your way; truth be told I was hung up on that line trying to decide which way to leave it. I also like your idea for the truth- you part. However, there is always victory, always a winner and a loser in every situation. Someone has to come out on top, even if it's only by a fraction of a second, a fraction of a percentage point, or one more kill on the field. Oh yeah, and I definitely should have used desert instead of jungle.
[n/a] tadpole @ 4.228.15.17 > ggawrysi | 2-May-04/7:39 PM | Reply
You've got to read the book "Flags of Our Fathers" it's written by the son of one of the flag raisers from the battle of Iwo Jima. . .I would bet you'd love it

I like it a lot and I don't like war books
[n/a] ggawrysi @ 147.9.151.22 > tadpole | 3-May-04/1:19 AM | Reply
Read Citizen Soldier... I'm having a brain lapse on the author. Great book, even if you don't like the war genre. Stephen Ambrose, that's the author.
[10] Shuushin @ 207.5.211.177 | 2-May-04/7:31 PM | Reply
Not loving the brain/slain rhyme.

The acrostic"ness" is extremely smooth however, so ju get a tenspot from me.
[n/a] ggawrysi @ 147.9.151.22 > Shuushin | 3-May-04/1:15 AM | Reply
Actually, the rhyme was unintentional; it just kind of happened. I kind of liked it, though I'm not sold... suggestions on a different word for either brain or slain?
[10] Shuushin @ 147.154.235.51 > ggawrysi | 3-May-04/6:23 AM | Reply
for the slain line

something like "A guy could get killed out here." - inject a bit of personality

(or even nothing?)

Brain is fine, no?
[8] richa @ 81.178.232.136 | 3-May-04/1:12 PM | Reply
Second and third verses are good. The enjambment of the first seems a bit forced.
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