poemranker ::California triolets by zodiac

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Triolet № 100389

California triolets

by zodiac

Member since 2004 · Posted 4 May 2004 · 33 comments

We went in and out of vast blue shadows, dog tired on a Sunday morning on an endless ribbony road in Nevada – we went in and out of vast blue shadows. I remember I thought how the clouds would gather and break before we reached California, as we went in and out of those vast blue shadows, dog tired on a Sunday morning. I smoked out the window and she read Lawrence and sipped from a bottle of Chivas with a kind of beautiful, drowsy assurance – I smoked out the window and she read Lawrence; while the storm stacked up in the West, and torrents circled around to receive us – I smoked out the window; she read her Lawrence and sipped from a bottle of Chivas.

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mean 7.02 weighted 7.02 rank 61 views 665 View voting details →

50 votes so far. Yours would make 51.50 votes so far

A favorite of Jezabele-In-Hell, MacFrantic, Sasha.

33 comments

[10] Stephen Robins 5-May-04/2:14 AM Reply
Very good.
[n/a] wFraser Allonby Q.C.w 5-May-04/2:32 AM Reply
I will be contacting the F.B.I.
[10] Stephen Robins › wFraser Allonby Q.C.w 5-May-04/2:51 AM Reply
FBI - Fat Back Incredulity
[n/a] zodiac › wFraser Allonby Q.C.w 5-May-04/3:49 AM Reply
Hey, there's an expression that wasn't used up before.
[10] Shuushin 5-May-04/5:41 AM Reply
Nice one!

Another great use of a form. The repetition with the driving and the smoking and the reading works really well with this travelog feel.

A well-deserved Ten.
[10] edpeterson 5-May-04/7:25 AM Reply
Good poem about california toilets, though i am not so sure the subject matter really reflects the title.
[n/a] zodiac › edpeterson 5-May-04/7:28 AM Reply
Ha ha.
[10] Stephen Robins › zodiac 7-May-04/6:08 AM Reply
Were you being ironical?
[n/a] zodiac › Stephen Robins 7-May-04/7:03 AM Reply
Are you being ironical?
[10] Stephen Robins › zodiac 7-May-04/7:38 AM Reply
I asked first quim face.
[n/a] zodiac › Stephen Robins 8-May-04/3:50 AM Reply
Yes.
[10] MacFrantic 5-May-04/8:43 AM Reply
I love subtlety and I find the use of semicolons to accent the meaning of the words a perfect fit.
Incredible imagery. *10* This is my favorite poem in a while.
[9] ggawrysi 7-May-04/12:40 AM Reply
I have only one criticism. Could you have used a different phrase for being very tired? Perhaps dead tired instead of dog tired? I'm being picky, but I was continually hung up on the word "dog." Otherwise the poem is extremely well done, I agree with everyone elses comments... wonderful imagery.
[n/a] -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. 7-May-04/7:26 AM Reply
If she really was reading Lawrence, then "assurance" is bow'ls because you only chose it to rhyme with what she happened to be reading. But if she wasn't reading Lawrence, then the whole poeme is UTTERLY MORALLY BANKRUPT.
[n/a] zodiac › -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. 7-May-04/8:20 AM Reply
You should have seen the version where she was reading Henry Miller. Talk about morally bankrupt; I nearly exhausted my prostrate in the writing of it.
[10] SupremeDreamer 8-May-04/6:06 AM Reply
Well crafted, and was a pleasure to read. Blessed with ten.
[4] poetandknowit 8-May-04/11:51 PM Reply
Reading Lawrence without the D.H. and drinking Chivas how ghastly laughable and remarkably “oh my darling I have this English degree so I just might as well spout what I know here and now.” Anyway, where was I now? “Ribbony (I am a writer therefore I can make up words just like my long dead hero cummings – huh – he had cum in his mane dude) roads?” Exactly (now you are in Nevada home of the E.T. Highway so maybe you were abducted and taken to a land where roads are of a substance much lighter than concrete and asphalt) what is the literary objective here. Hmmm. Let’s see. Ribbony. Circular. You are in Nevada. There are no cloverleaf highways except in Las Vegas. Oh. I love it. Lawrence without the D.H., Chivas and Las Vegas. How so post modern and decadent like all at the same time. Or ribbony – meaning narrow, as in strip as in reference to endless. It is Nevada, drive where you like. Breathe the beautiful air. Love again. At least triolet is close to toil or toilet, which oddly enough is where I must go now.
[n/a] zodiac › poetandknowit 9-May-04/4:16 AM Reply
Hey, poetandknowit! Welcome back! I just thought you might like to see this:

"2 entries found for ribbony
...
2.
a. Something, such as a tape measure, that resembles a ribbon.
b. A long thin strip: a ribbon of land along the shore..."

http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=ribbony

I hate e.e. cummings, as I've said dozens of times here. You are on suspension from assuming you know anything about me until further notice. If you have any questions, please contact the FBI.
[10] dancin_n_da_moonlite › zodiac 29-Dec-04/10:11 PM Reply
i really have absolutely nothing to do with this conversation, but i would just like to interject that e.e.cummings is among the greatest poets that ever lived, and he didnt randomly make up words, if you actually examine his work, you will find a purpose for each and every word he made and rule (grammar-wise) he broke

not meaning to sound harsh - but i just thought i would make my opinion known
(i am aware that noone cares, however, so no need to tell me)

-mega
[n/a] zodiac › dancin_n_da_moonlite 29-Dec-04/10:32 PM Reply
Just out of curiosity, what in your opinion is the best line ever written by ee cummings?
[10] dancin_n_da_moonlite › zodiac 3-Jan-05/9:32 AM Reply
oh my that is extremely difficult . . . like choosing a favorite sonnet by shakespeare . . . i do not know there are so many gems in his writings, i could send you a list of favorite poems perhaps . . .

i suppose if i had to choose, the last two lines, of this one poem, (this title is not coming to mind as of current) go:

"i'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach 1000 stars how not to dance"

but all in all, i love a great deal of his work . . .

-mega
[n/a] zodiac › dancin_n_da_moonlite 3-Jan-05/11:23 PM Reply
I'm not feeling it. If I were forced (probably at gunpoint) to name my favorite ee cummings line, I'd probably say "I will not kiss your fucking flag", which is not a great line of poetry, just a great use of the word fucking. If pressed further, I'd probably just trump and try to escape in the confusion.

-zodia
[10] dancin_n_da_moonlite › zodiac 4-Jan-05/6:21 AM Reply
well at least you have a plan . . .
(it is nice to prepared i suppose)

on a more serious note, since i am supposing e.e. cummings is not your most favorite of poets, who may i ask is? (i am genuinely curious, as i am on a mission to read the best that poetry has to offer)

-mega
[n/a] zodiac › dancin_n_da_moonlite 6-Jan-05/5:05 AM Reply
You may not ask. I had to read a bunch of random dribble to find out, and I don't see any reason why you shouldn't have to.

Okay, it's richa.
[10] Sasha › dancin_n_da_moonlite 27-Aug-05/10:45 PM Reply
I want my poems to be at least pronouncable
[7] cuddlytiger17 10-May-04/12:53 PM Reply
Wow, the rhythm and overall composition is amazing! Even if you weren't really reading the words, you fall in love with it just by the way it sounds! Good work!
[8] sanity 30-Jul-04/4:54 PM Reply
very nicely done
[10] dancin_n_da_moonlite 29-Dec-04/10:08 PM Reply
i love the imagrey in your work
[10] Sasha 27-Aug-05/10:42 PM Reply
This is pure music!
[9] amanda_dcosta 9-Jan-06/10:48 AM Reply
Not bad...... You have a nice way of turning a very obscure scene into poetic reality.
[3] Edna Sweetlove 10-Dec-06/11:10 AM Reply
I thought it said "California toilets" Sorry. It would have been better thus.
[3] Edna Sweetlove 10-Dec-06/11:10 AM Reply
I thought it said "California toilets" Sorry. It would have been better thus.
[n/a] Holy Tits 18-Jan-07/7:36 AM Reply
I thought this was about toilets. It would have ben better if it had been.