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California triolets (Triolet) by zodiac We went in and out of vast blue shadows,
dog tired on a Sunday morning
on an endless ribbony road in Nevada â
we went in and out of vast blue shadows.
I remember I thought how the clouds would gather
and break before we reached California,
as we went in and out of those vast blue shadows,
dog tired on a Sunday morning.
I smoked out the window and she read Lawrence
and sipped from a bottle of Chivas
with a kind of beautiful, drowsy assurance â
I smoked out the window and she read Lawrence;
while the storm stacked up in the West, and torrents
circled around to receive us â
I smoked out the window; she read her Lawrence
and sipped from a bottle of Chivas.
Up the ladder:
Rough draft of a poetry manifesto
Down the ladder:
Zinnias are a funny flower
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 7.02
Posted: May 4, 2004 11:03 PM PDT; Last modified: May 4, 2004 11:03 PM PDTWeighted score: 7.019995 Overall Rank: 62 The following users have marked this poem on their favorites list: MacFrantic, Sasha, Jezabele-In-Hell Comments:
[10]
Stephen Robins @ 213.146.148.199
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5-May-04/2:14 AM
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Reply
Very good.
I will be contacting the F.B.I.
FBI - Fat Back Incredulity
Hey, there's an expression that wasn't used up before.
Nice one!
Another great use of a form. The repetition with the driving and the smoking and the reading works really well with this travelog feel. A well-deserved Ten.
Good poem about california toilets, though i am not so sure the subject matter really reflects the title.
Ha ha.
Were you being ironical?
Are you being ironical?
I asked first quim face.
Yes.
I love subtlety and I find the use of semicolons to accent the meaning of the words a perfect fit.
Incredible imagery. *10* This is my favorite poem in a while.
I have only one criticism. Could you have used a different phrase for being very tired? Perhaps dead tired instead of dog tired? I'm being picky, but I was continually hung up on the word "dog." Otherwise the poem is extremely well done, I agree with everyone elses comments... wonderful imagery.
If she really was reading Lawrence, then "assurance" is bow'ls because you only chose it to rhyme with what she happened to be reading. But if she wasn't reading Lawrence, then the whole poeme is UTTERLY MORALLY BANKRUPT.
You should have seen the version where she was reading Henry Miller. Talk about morally bankrupt; I nearly exhausted my prostrate in the writing of it.
Well crafted, and was a pleasure to read. Blessed with ten.
Reading Lawrence without the D.H. and drinking Chivas how ghastly laughable and remarkably âoh my darling I have this English degree so I just might as well spout what I know here and now.â Anyway, where was I now? âRibbony (I am a writer therefore I can make up words just like my long dead hero cummings â huh â he had cum in his mane dude) roads?â Exactly (now you are in Nevada home of the E.T. Highway so maybe you were abducted and taken to a land where roads are of a substance much lighter than concrete and asphalt) what is the literary objective here. Hmmm. Letâs see. Ribbony. Circular. You are in Nevada. There are no cloverleaf highways except in Las Vegas. Oh. I love it. Lawrence without the D.H., Chivas and Las Vegas. How so post modern and decadent like all at the same time. Or ribbony â meaning narrow, as in strip as in reference to endless. It is Nevada, drive where you like. Breathe the beautiful air. Love again. At least triolet is close to toil or toilet, which oddly enough is where I must go now.
Hey, poetandknowit! Welcome back! I just thought you might like to see this:
"2 entries found for ribbony ... 2. a. Something, such as a tape measure, that resembles a ribbon. b. A long thin strip: a ribbon of land along the shore..." http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q I hate e.e. cummings, as I've said dozens of times here. You are on suspension from assuming you know anything about me until further notice. If you have any questions, please contact the FBI.
i really have absolutely nothing to do with this conversation, but i would just like to interject that e.e.cummings is among the greatest poets that ever lived, and he didnt randomly make up words, if you actually examine his work, you will find a purpose for each and every word he made and rule (grammar-wise) he broke
not meaning to sound harsh - but i just thought i would make my opinion known (i am aware that noone cares, however, so no need to tell me) -mega
Just out of curiosity, what in your opinion is the best line ever written by ee cummings?
oh my that is extremely difficult . . . like choosing a favorite sonnet by shakespeare . . . i do not know there are so many gems in his writings, i could send you a list of favorite poems perhaps . . .
i suppose if i had to choose, the last two lines, of this one poem, (this title is not coming to mind as of current) go: "i'd rather learn from one bird how to sing than teach 1000 stars how not to dance" but all in all, i love a great deal of his work . . . -mega
I'm not feeling it. If I were forced (probably at gunpoint) to name my favorite ee cummings line, I'd probably say "I will not kiss your fucking flag", which is not a great line of poetry, just a great use of the word fucking. If pressed further, I'd probably just trump and try to escape in the confusion.
-zodia
well at least you have a plan . . .
(it is nice to prepared i suppose) on a more serious note, since i am supposing e.e. cummings is not your most favorite of poets, who may i ask is? (i am genuinely curious, as i am on a mission to read the best that poetry has to offer) -mega
You may not ask. I had to read a bunch of random dribble to find out, and I don't see any reason why you shouldn't have to.
Okay, it's richa.
I want my poems to be at least pronouncable
Wow, the rhythm and overall composition is amazing! Even if you weren't really reading the words, you fall in love with it just by the way it sounds! Good work!
very nicely done
i love the imagrey in your work
This is pure music!
Not bad...... You have a nice way of turning a very obscure scene into poetic reality.
I thought it said "California toilets" Sorry. It would have been better thus.
I thought it said "California toilets" Sorry. It would have been better thus.
I thought this was about toilets. It would have ben better if it had been.
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