Re: Heroin by zenhaircut	23-Jun-04/1:23 PM
what are '...habit fingernails'? Does this mean there bitten? Or you've been injecting under them? I think if you left out that line, and just left the first two, it would be more haunting an intro. what have calendar blots to do with Mecca or skirmished hopes, your not showing enough. I like the next part and the stanza that follows. I also like your use of simile 'cynics...like needles' for example. Considering you've used over 100 words, don't you thiink the last line is out of place? Even if you don't it's flat and boring.
Re: Insurance Frauds by skaskowski	23-Jun-04/1:00 PM
meandering. the first stanza is so difficult to understand, it makes the rest pointless. The last couplet is sort of the cherry on the cake of incomprehensiveness. How you got where exactly?
Re: a comment on The Riddle of Creation by Dovina	23-Jun-04/12:01 PM
I appreciate your not taking this personally. What aroused me to this point was McFan's idiotic comment on this poem. How much thought did you put into this poem? How much have you studied about the craft of writing poetry? If this poem is any measure I would have to assume the answer to both these questions would be 'none'. The title presumes you know what the riddle is, which is completely impossible because of the strong possibility there's no riddle at all. Your poem doesn't even deal with creation, the six lines you've written deal exclusively with redemption and the unconditional love of an omnipotent deity. Now, all that aside, you are telling and not showing, which for me, is the hallmark of a crap poem. In your Quiet Hills poem you show us what's going on, you leave it to the reader to decide the meaning. Your emotions and contemplations are revealed by the words you've chosen to build the images. Here you are flat out telling me that God has a special Wonderland where we all go after death and all the dear ones are there wearing party hats, hiding behind the furniture just waiting to shout surprise everytime someone new steps in. There's no reason why you shouldn't believe and hope for such loving justice,I agree it would be grand. My opinion is, if you want to write a poem about your faith in the power of love to redeem this tragedy of living then it would be far more interesting and touching to show me what in your life has convinced you of this. That goes for any poem about any subject. As the audience I want to share the experience of the poet, I don't want to be told 'hey this is what I think'. As far as craft goes, there is not even one of the usual devices of poetry found here. Now as far as the actual language, there is such a thing as death, whether or not it's only earthly death is besides the point. Things die, and we suffer and grow because of it. Death is important, it allows us to appreciate life. So right of the bat your asking us to imagine something that is impossible to imagine. You contradict yourself in the 2nd line by saying 'passed' you can argue all you want, but in every languages that I know of, 'passing' is simply a euphomism for death. In the couplet the second line is really a threat. "...His own."? This implies some are not His. You know it isn't really Heaven if not everyone gets to go. The last line your stating you know the riddle of creation? Do you? And if you honestly do, you're not touching on it here. Enless you're saying the riddle of creation is God loves you. How is that a riddle?
Re: a comment on The Riddle of Creation by Dovina	23-Jun-04/11:15 AM
4th day. Mark it on your calendar and watch my moods go round and round.
Re: a comment on The Riddle of Creation by Dovina	23-Jun-04/1:13 AM
What the hell is going on around here? I just spent 20 min. tracking votes and comments and with the exception of a very few, this entire site has descended into a happily, horribly, pitifully deluded mutual admiration poetry pit. This poem, like every other poem(again with a very very very very few exceptions)posted in the last month, at the very least, is a piece of utter fucking crap. That's not the worst of it. It would seem there are infinite numbers of stupid, spineless, folk who are more than willing to skip through life tra-la-la with the warped conception that as long as everyone one holds hands and is nice to each other well that's all that matters. How many of you idiots have posted 30-40 poems without ever looking back at any of them, trying to make the best of them, or of yourself as a-May the Gods forgive me-poet? Implying that you deficients could possibly be poets is so nauseating, I just threw-up in my mouth a little. What a bunch of disgusting invertebrates. Hundreds of thousands of meaningless tasteless rants all categorized as poetry. It's a fucking shame. The dumbing down of the entire world, neatly organized and presented right here. Once upon a time there was a poetry website unpolluted by the dismal contributions of garden variety troglodytes. Unfortunately that Utopia didn't have a snowball's chance. What with morons and imbeciles throughout the globe with ready access to a keyboard and an internet connection. So it goes. All things wind down to a kind of muddy miserable indifference. This site has transformed into a 500 pound drooling mongoloid who thinks she sports a thong just as seductively as Anna Kornikova(sp). What's worse is when she's confronted by an accurate reflection in a full length mirror, she declares her right to do as she pleases. Of course this should come as no surprise, seeing how low standards are pervasive throughout modern culture, but still it is heartbreaking. The silver has become dross, the wine mixed with water.
Re: Skuld Resurrected by SupremeDreamer	22-Jun-04/1:20 PM
The last four stanza I love. In the first stanza you write The quiet hum of the words seem to fade into each other in ... Yuo can't say that, 'The quiet hum...seem to...', you see you continuing the sentence as if the subject was 'words' but it's not, it's 'hum'. 'words' is the subject of the preposition. The quiet hum of words fading into each other. Or something like that.
Re: Owain Glyndwr by Nicholas Jones	22-Jun-04/1:13 PM
Thank you, most humbly.
Re: Niggers Don't Write Poetry by pain killer	22-Jun-04/1:06 PM
'cred'? that's a stretch , isn't it? You are the epitome of mediocrity. The Beige Knave, would be a fitting monicker.
Re: West Coast Epilogue (Pseudo Triolet) by wilco	22-Jun-04/12:51 PM
Waht means she/he was right, the poem? You don't mention what happened.
Re: Paid In Full by NoSage	22-Jun-04/12:49 PM
This is dreadful, and in very poor taste. "Paid up your lease"? what an awful analogy.
Re: Do You Love Me Too by DustyStar	22-Jun-04/12:44 PM
Let's see, if some guy sent me this poem, I would think it he was sweet but a simpleton. I don't know if that's a compliment or not.
Re: for sharon by shazpen	22-Jun-04/12:42 PM
Terrific.
Re: any by shazpen	22-Jun-04/12:40 PM
What's 'bespin'?
Re: any by shazpen	22-Jun-04/12:36 PM
There's plenty of images in the second stanza which I always applaud, though some of them, like the Egyptian eye fluid, are so wacko they're in comprehensible. I'm especially fond of thr lighter/heart analogy. Try using adjectives. The whole wacko thing is really a matter of whether or not you want the readers to know what you're getting at or maybe this is an insight meant for only you.
Re: do you talk out loud in public? by peaceseeker	22-Jun-04/12:26 PM
This is not as good as it was. Now it's too much "Dear Diary". It's best in the middle parts but the intro just kills it. Instead of calling him an abuser right from the get go, why don't you show us why you 'love' him. Your dealing the cards out face-up and that can be boring when the writing is this simplified. Hide the villainy at first, that might help hold the reader's interest a bit more, and it's more honesr, especially considering that you end this poem with the word love. That says loads about your co-dependence. I like this title a great deal. Get some help sweety, please, for my sake. If your both using u together go to AA.
Re: fire by poetrybutterfly	22-Jun-04/12:15 PM
'loves' to?
Re: none by poetrybutterfly	22-Jun-04/12:11 PM
Could you change 'but' to 'though' or some such thing? I don't understand the title.
Re: your garden by nothingtoanyone	21-Jun-04/7:20 PM
Preaching is not poetry.
Re: Conscription by Caducus	21-Jun-04/7:19 PM
S3 lines 1-5(maybe 6)are good. The rest is not. You're writing doesn't follow any kind of comprehensible path. Except those 6 lines I mentioned.
Re: Randomness by QuirkyWonder	21-Jun-04/7:07 PM
Do people really seem immune to you?