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Heroin (Free verse) by zenhaircut
There is a papershred crescent over this sighing city the width of habit fingernails. And Mecca lies in those monochrome calender blots, skirmished hope for one more minute we can sit and wait for November to sink in, hastening that numb rain we've come to love. There was once a time he could measure his durability by the width of his wrists. And now its rewind mode, as the food-poison vine travels vertically up a dejected limb. We were promised a place in this somber-sweet symphony and now first chair struggles with all the others. The is no antidote to loneliness except ill hope. And cynics come like needles, penetrate the flesh. This won't scab over, I think. We're at a loss for words.

Up the ladder: Table for Two Please
Down the ladder: Remember me she said

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Arithmetic Mean: 6.8
Weighted score: 5.2145653
Overall Rank: 4377
Posted: June 23, 2004 12:56 PM PDT; Last modified: June 23, 2004 12:56 PM PDT
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Comments:
[7] god'swife @ 209.178.153.39 | 23-Jun-04/1:23 PM | Reply
what are '...habit fingernails'? Does this mean there bitten? Or you've been injecting under them? I think if you left out that line, and just left the first two, it would be more haunting an intro.

what have calendar blots to do with Mecca or skirmished hopes, your not showing enough. I like the next part and the stanza that follows. I also like your use of simile 'cynics...like needles' for example.

Considering you've used over 100 words, don't you thiink the last line is out of place? Even if you don't it's flat and boring.
[10] pain killer @ 217.159.74.253 > god'swife | 26-Jun-04/2:34 PM | Reply
oh do shut up god'd strife you insufferable bore
this is the best poem i've read on this site by a conga line of buggery mile...nice one
[9] Dovina @ 17.255.240.6 | 23-Jun-04/2:22 PM | Reply
I like the thrust of this poem, its persistance toward the end, its showing how cynics' needles hurt like the real ones. You also run the course fron infatuation to dissillusion with haroin. Good.

"There is no antidote for lonliness except ill hope"
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