Re: Flicking by INTRANSIT	29-Jun-05/1:45 PM
nice. I'll never get used to your before comma spacing though.
Re: a comment on The Object of the Game by Dovina	29-Jun-05/8:26 AM
I check in from time to time. I don't have too much new to say these days, so I don't say it. Glad to see you are still writing! Have you ever seen the magazine "Writer's Journal"?
Re: The Object of the Game by Dovina	29-Jun-05/6:44 AM
First stanza is the lovely part (partly for the subtle rhyme of "him" and "morning") - I'd pull the two "of"s though and probably the "and". The rest is another perspective, another voice that dilutes the first taste. Smacks of triteness. Put the first stanza in your "unfinished" folder and wait for the full inspiration.
Re: Last Night by Roisin	22-Jun-05/11:21 AM
The images/symbols are fairly clever, but they are delivered without style. These are not pleasant to read. Can they be fixed? Start with killing nearly all of your prepositions and look up "split infinitive" and, in general, stop telling me [blandly] what I would rather be shown [freshly]. Apply these words to any 5 random poems of yours here. Please, don't take my comments the wrong way - just bridge this gap between having something good to say and saying it well. Sadly, if one has the latter they can fake the former - but seldom the other way around.
Re: One Moment to the Other (v3) by nentwined	15-Jun-05/2:02 PM
Very, very nice. I'd like to see a span of beats, maybe 3 before that last word -
Re: a comment on A Flower for Monet by Shuushin	26-May-05/6:55 AM
Thank you Quarton, high praise. Much appreciated.
Re: A Night By The Shore by Bhaskaryya	22-May-05/9:22 AM
Lovely images and the repetition blends nicely without become washed out. I'm not very familiar with the stories related to Aashik-e-Rasool, but surely this must do them justice.
Re: Plastic Explosive Iraqi-Man by Enkidu	13-Feb-05/6:20 AM
Ineresting style, I like it. Feels like a synthesis of something, if you told me it was generated via a program I would not be surprised - nor would I like it any less.
Re: a comment on Before I met you by *.*ReAdY To SnAp.*.	10-Feb-05/5:03 PM
Lindsey, the thing is these can't be made better. There are lots of ways to express these kinds of emotions, what you have is one of them, and it is more or less appropriate for these sentiments. All I can give you are some general rules to make you poems, at this stage in your life, better: 1) show, don't tell 2) spellchek the thing 3) don't make compromises in meaning for ryhme 3) make sure you have a reason for every word you put down 3) don't waste the reader's time; give them a reason to keep reading 4) don't expect them to read it just because you wrote it of course there's more. For now, just write as much as you can, and read more. and do a search for dark angel's mediocrity score thing and pay some attention to it.
Re: a comment on Before I met you by *.*ReAdY To SnAp.*.	10-Feb-05/2:11 PM
I think I've been pretty specific here on what needs to be fixed. Just keep writing and strive to have a reason for every word you put down on the paper.
Re: Girly by Dovina	5-Feb-05/5:10 AM
kindof ogden nashy as the end there (not a bad thing).
Re: Pictures of June by wilco	5-Feb-05/5:08 AM
Hwy wilco - overall it has a nice presence, but it didn't sink in until the end. Feature or bug? I was thinking that each of those stanzas could be on their own, even expanded into more - then I hit the chorus and it gelled. So I guess you could go either way with it. consuming/consumes - I struggled with that a little. Did you try it the other way too?
Re: A Little Further by thepinkbunnyofdoom	4-Feb-05/1:47 PM
could do without the "so", and "that", still very nice.
Re: Dying Abroad by zodiac	1-Feb-05/10:58 AM
2 triolets, almost - why you mess with formula, boy? Do you feel that repeating the frame of the first line in the first line of the second stanza makes up for the change in the second to last line of the first? I might go for that. Sure, why not - you're entitled to your opinion of what a triolet is. Absolutely. I like the second half of that first stanza, starting from slip. Has a nice flow and sound to it. Except I missss the logic of thisss sssound she makesss over the fields, or why, or how this adds to the "trouble" of the day. These commas - are you purposely trying to kill the flow? Espec. L3 in S2 Nice solid concept though with the early snow on an uncut field of hay. Makes sense. Then, right away, you talk more about hay. Hey. "hay-smelling" ... very evocative, btw. Does that mean it "smells like hay"? That you miss the smell of hay? Or maybe you are anthropomorphising autumn by giving it a nose. How you must miss that nose. This is the best thing you've ever written.
Re: Yes, D.A. Private Eye Guy by Luzr	1-Feb-05/10:58 AM
a swing and a miss.
Re: a comment on In Answer To Your Question by Dovina	31-Jan-05/6:56 PM
Naturally, you are correct. About your balls popping off. Again.
Re: a comment on In Answer To Your Question by Dovina	31-Jan-05/6:31 AM
"This is the weakest response ever written. PS-stop quoting my comments back to me, escpecially without rearranging the internal quotation marks. That's simply rude. And besides, it's totally pointless and I'll just end up inserting a bunch of "I, Shuushin, am a chafed anus"-type statements for you to parrot back to me. "
Re: a comment on In Answer To Your Question by Dovina	30-Jan-05/7:28 AM
But the question is, just because one is able - just because one has *options* - is that "better"? Whether the man chooses to lift the tree from the dying children, or not, he still feels the burden of the choice when, years later, one of the children kills 7 nuns and an ice-cream vendor. Perhaps the man should have instead saved his drowning wife instead of the children? You may begin now to see the connection between "being strong" and Fate. The perception of strength gives some the percerption of choice, but really - does either really exist? And so he bleeds.
Re: a comment on In Answer To Your Question by Dovina	29-Jan-05/7:50 PM
"A strong man is not compelled to use his strength inappropriately": False; you fail. I'm sure even this version of you can understand the flaws in that near-statement (and the converse). Maybe you don't really understand the concept of "strength" - or will sarcasm or wit take the place of an answer? That's what I predict will happen - the True One would have the proper response - but not "you".
Re: a comment on In Answer To Your Question by Dovina	29-Jan-05/7:37 PM
"Of course you'd ask that. But of course you also think it's cool to write a poem called "Impenetrable Pistachio" and regularly use the word "doodie" instead of shit. "