Re: Love's Fine Line by peaceseeker	31-Oct-03/9:25 PM
Dalia – its an interesting piece with some good hooks – I think it needs some structure changes though. this is one thought: “finally our voices intermingled after several long months apart like rays of sun through the frozen rain” then another: your strange marriage you know you are walking a fine line between your love and earthly desires keeping me at arm's length and so on. I think if you break them out and flesh them out they piece will be better for it. You might even find there are two separate poems here. Some of the not so subtle sexual metaphors can be toned down a bit too, btw.
regarding some deleted poem...	1-Nov-03/7:08 PM
Defitely put me into the moment. At first I was reluctant to read the thing, cuz it looked huge; in fact I was just going to type "just wanted you to know I'm working on it - notes to follow" - but I got sucked in. Now I want to go to china and stand up like a post.
Re: freewrite~1-10-10/11am by shadowaura	2-Nov-03/5:34 AM
a nice flow of conciousness with some interesting allusions (you don't see "Septuagint" everyday). Not sure if you intended to use the apt "liquid lies" twice though. "over" works just fine, btw.
Re: The Dread by scitz	2-Nov-03/7:33 AM
Well done.
regarding some deleted poem...	2-Nov-03/7:38 AM
persistant questions, and I appreciate the controlled structure.
Re: Brand-new Blue Book Jacket by Bobjim	2-Nov-03/2:17 PM
its a purty cool thing to behold. jan and dean, the everly brothers, abbot and costello? but I don't know pearl and ted. Interesting.
Re: What went wrong with America? (An essay) by Jeremi B. Handrinos	2-Nov-03/4:06 PM
Jeremi (baba/bachus/horus/shardik) - Functionally its a fairly pulling read (though, ironically, I was zoning out right around the park where you refer to Americans as lazy half-asses; go figure). Not any new angles here though, is there? And the premise of rallying a group to action by name-calling is flawed. As a vent though - I can feel your pain. But as an argument, you could add credibility to this if you backed up your claims with some statistics, references and specific examples, like for: "America holds the largest collection of undereducated" (percentages compared to world?), "two thirds of its occupants still believe the earth was created a couple thousand years ago" (a reference would be nice here), "Simple, it's the inability to lead by example and keep your word." (examples), "now through karma we are getting our fair dues?" - (what is this referring to, exactly, casinos?)", "common knowledge that Americans are greedy, narrow sighted, and ridiculously pretentious without fair reason or even an objective" (references? even something anectdotal would help) If its just rant, then fine, carry on - but if you want to make a compelling argument then make it sound like you did your homework.
regarding some deleted poem...	3-Nov-03/7:33 AM
I like the idea of it, and there is some good language throughout. It could likely benefit from a bit of word diet, though. There's nothing wrong with repetition if its part of a suitable structure that allows for it; the repetition here (with "experiment") doesn't really add value. And how does the title fit in? As an aside, the word 'paradigm' is fairly well used up. Usually when folks use it, they apologize afterwards. Having said those nits, there is a really solid, interesting idea in there and one I think worth working on (imho).
Re: fog by FreeFormFixation	3-Nov-03/7:40 AM
I've come to recognize your stuff as one I should click on and expect goodness. This one has a fresh thought to it, and as a lyric works really quite well, I think. If you want to tweak it more, you could thin it out here and there so that stuff like this: "i just dont want to be old polaroids in a small shoe box as sepia seeps and yellows my face. so tell me, do you see me" which rocks, isn't diluted by less memorable sentiments.
Re: Capricorn Falls by wolfen	3-Nov-03/7:48 AM
"myriad" - danger, danger; tough word to pull off. This is quite good: "I remember the scent[s] of sin, That lingered on my clothes and skin." I could do without this telegraphing of meaning: "Every late night drink of scotch alone in the dark, To help me forget my cheating heart." or this: "With no-one to hold, The fibres that held together my life, Have been unthreaded." but the image of squeezing a rose, thorns and all, is nice. Other than those nits - something very workable. Maybe as a lyric using that second stanza [tweaked a bit] as a chorus?
Re: The Secrets Of Men by scitz	3-Nov-03/8:15 AM
For my part, my "depth" consists mostly of walking around thinking I lost my wallet, or my keys. I must have come from a different tribe than you've described here. Always a danger making these types of generalizations, but as a poem, it has some interesting perspectives and some cute rhymes - even if occasionally slightly forced ones. As a suggestion, I think you could save this if you came over the top with it; make it a bit tongue-in-cheek. I know it's been done - maybe you can do it better.
regarding some deleted poem...	3-Nov-03/10:37 AM
See how this, in an unforced way, goes from small, to large to small again? The structure matches the content - I like that, and I like the poem.
Re: At least while you're gone, things get done. by Bachus	3-Nov-03/2:09 PM
LoL, Bachus (baba/jeremi/horus/shardik) - not too bad! I get a kick out of the Mon- /-day line why not just end it with "[something something ...sun"? then you can stretch the charlie horse line with something (you can do it). On second thought - keep it, it adds something. Extra points for formed verse.
Re: A Fistful of Haiku for All Ages by HaikuMofo	3-Nov-03/6:04 PM
Very nice - Dennis Leary would be proud, you HWMF. Kill Bill roxors.
regarding some deleted poem...	3-Nov-03/6:20 PM
wonderful images, lovingly applied language - I am critless. yanks and bedlam in one poem; an interesting coincidence.
Re: Nocturnal Emissions by EAger to Offend	3-Nov-03/6:25 PM
i think loose "-the city" and put a suitable modifier on "compost" (like "urban" or sumfin'). other than that, and the contradiction between being eager to offend and pursuing a hindu or buddhist way - not to shabby. Massive points for the flowing "home-made mandala Wallpaper"
regarding some deleted poem...	4-Nov-03/6:58 AM
Nice clean language (I don't mean that in the no swear words sense!). The last four couplets are very strong, the "with wind and shadow, born in league" in particular - the first could use a tweak though; loose the "the" at least, and/or consider another way to *show* me the grass feels like cold fingers. This change may involve the second stanza too - no worries, you can make it work.
Re: advice by ThePariahDog	4-Nov-03/8:15 AM
it does have a bigger than life feel - and I'm gonna disagree with the dear with headlights; it is quite poetic (what isn't? Sounds like attitude to me). I don't really get the bit about taking an adequate wife though - unconvincing our vague, somehow.
Re: vampirism extrapolated by FreeFormFixation	4-Nov-03/8:23 AM
I just did in an excercise in my programming class where I had the students write a program that by simulating a vampire needing to feed everynight, and thereby converting another human into vampire - how long would it take to convert all the humans into vampires. Turns out it takes just about a month to convert 6 billion people. one of the "proofs" that vampires don't exist - but it makes a few arbitrary (and silly) assumptions. as for the poem here - I feel like I need to munch on it more, but I do so hesitantly because there isn't much room for interpretation (not quite getting it). I do like some of the bits in it: "neck knives red drops stained scarf" is cool.
Re: My Secret by ThoughtfulSoul	4-Nov-03/12:30 PM
so sweet - and so sad. I wonder about the "unique body" . . . I'd typically crit for the simple descriptors (doesn't show much, tells alot) - but they fit with the simple emotional theme, so; fine. This would easily make a very nice ghazal.