Reminds me of the turing test (which is very topical)

Have you poked around at the transcripts from the turing tests?

Fun - they come so close, then this happens:

bot: "I like to chat with my friends, what do you like to do?"
me: "martial arts"
bot: "ouch, that hurts, don't press the keys so hard!"
me: "cute - thats actually a clever response"
bot: "Now the real truth comes out. Go on"
[splat]

Thats an actual transcript.

http://www.surrey.ac.uk/dwrc/loebner/

I was Mooooved. -10-

Okay - this is close to something very good, but the articles, conjunctions and prepositions nearly outnumber everything else.

Really interrupts the flow of lovely imagery and a deeper concept, IMHO.

the sadness carries well here; a nice clean portrayal of a relateable emotion.

I like this aggravated lightness.

small nit: "distance" s/b "distant", although maybe you could do something with "long distance", dunno - might take away from the light-hearted jab of it.

nice job.

I think it could be something, but it needs a hook, my friend - needs a hook.

and that first line in the bridge - maybe a missing word in there; give it a read.

lastly - the bridge was a bit soon for me. Maybe develop the hookline in that second bit and move the bridge down - just as a suggestion.

thanks for livening up the place.

looking for poetry or prose - seen any lately?

I second the honorable mr. mage's proposal - lets storm the castle!!

There is a new slant here that I find refreshing somehow - but I feel like there should be something more.

Intesting language - yess..... interesting....

Nicely penned prose. Absotively.

Would be a nice bit within a short story, I'm sure.

big points for universal appeal, I think the cat would just run away though.

(cuz I pictured it sitting on the tire)

now if the second line was
"against the alternator" . . . or someplace similar . . .

yep - he's a strange one. What is it with these chin grabbing poses!?

I saw this episode - repeats already?

This has a heady density of language and a fantastic theme that is dying to be cultivated.

As it sits, it's quite memorable - but I think with some pruning (sorry for the cliche, but more showing instead of telling), and a stronger sense of Structure this thing would be exceptionally powerful.

eh. kind of grossed me out - all that blood and seared flesh.

jest wait a cotton-pickin minute mister -

what the hell does wizard rhyme with?? Huh? Splain that.

the third one is very nice (just darling).

I'm sorry - these overused telegraphed rhymes just don't work for me. Its almost a characature of a bad song. My face is all scrunched up trying to decode what an "upbeat sad song" is exactly.

You've got two tens so maybe i'm missing something - can my taste be that far off?

Has a nice hooky first two stanzas, then the wandering begins.

By the end, it's vapor. A suit wearing a man - I really think its fixable though since there are some nice images in there.

I really like this bit,
"My beatrice, boots and hairflick,
hint of orange hung in the air"

but somehow I'm hearing fall imagery with apple trees and leaves - the orange - and I realize you prolly mean the color. Orange without the right context leaves me with a citrus flavor; distinctly floridian/summer - Looses me (umber, gold, copper maybe).

"the leaf in her step" line trips me up too, yet adds to the fall motif.

the thing that's gone in seconds - is that her beauty? With that unclear, the thing grown with the longing then shaped until stone (I associate bronze with forging, btw - maybe incorrectly).

So, there are a few things I personally like about it, ("apple-tree and spruce fences" is very nice too) - but the mixed metaphors, some verb usages (laid, leaf) hurt the rest.

Fine, have a contrast in elements, but give me a clear transition (preferably one that isn’t parenthetical).