poemranker ::At least while you're gone, things get done. by Bachus

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Villanelle № 73347

At least while you're gone, things get done.

Member since 2002 · Posted 3 Nov 2003 · 4 comments

At least while you're gone, things get done. Laundry, dishes, and the cupboard faces Away from dead things you've considered fun. I clean out the pantry then polish my gun Day dreaming of you in white see through laces... At least while you're gone, things get done. There is no need to panic, no need to run? I'm carving your name into my arm just in these cases Away from the dead you have considered fun. God forgive me when this sweet deed is done and deliver us from that monster who chases... At least while you're gone, things get done. I always knew in the end you should have won after all, you dealt the deck and held all the aces Away from the dead things you've considered fun. You've always been a cold spring like a Mon- -day with no sun, and a Charlie horse that paces Away from the dead things you've considered fun. At least while you're gone, things will get done.

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mean 6.83 weighted 6.75 rank 465 views 310 View voting details →

18 votes so far. Yours would make 19.18 votes so far

4 comments

[9] Shuushin 3-Nov-03/2:09 PM Reply
LoL, Bachus (baba/jeremi/horus/shardik) - not too bad!

I get a kick out of the Mon- /-day line

why not just end it with "[something something ...sun"? then you can stretch the charlie horse line with something (you can do it).

On second thought - keep it, it adds something. Extra points for formed verse.
[9] Patsy 3-Nov-03/10:12 PM Reply
You have a creepy kind of foreboding tone, which, whether intentional or not, i savour.
[10] horus8 › Patsy 3-Nov-03/10:29 PM Reply
Thank you dear, that's because I'm a sexy warlock draped in off red velvet and smothered in scented oils.
[9] SupremeDreamer 6-Nov-03/9:56 AM Reply
Nice lil tweak with monday, you always manage some method of keeping the form intact when you start to slide a bit off course.

Damned good vil. 9