on lullaby by the indign
1 Apr 2004, 6:01 PM
too "listy" - yes, I made that word up.
Gimme so flow, gimme some "poetry".
Gimme so flow, gimme some "poetry".
on some deleted poem
1 Apr 2004, 6:04 PM
2nd person... very difficult to pull off; I had trouble "feeling" this.
"Altophobia" - lowercase?
"Altophobia" - lowercase?
on Color me Lifeless by alverland theme park
1 Apr 2004, 6:05 PM
Sad, but - thankfully - short (this kind of thing can get old quickly)
on My Apology by capachijim
1 Apr 2004, 6:06 PM
yep. that works.
on Chemistry by <Wankster>
1 Apr 2004, 6:09 PM
Four spelling errors.
Is the ending counter-intuitive, or am I missing something?
Is the ending counter-intuitive, or am I missing something?
on Cargo pants by tre
1 Apr 2004, 6:12 PM
"sorority"
Sure, I get it.
Sure, I get it.
on PEOPLE. (Debut) by Doc
1 Apr 2004, 8:18 PM
Yuppy, or hippy?
Got my attention, gimme more you commie bastard. Oh, crap - did I say that out loud?
Got my attention, gimme more you commie bastard. Oh, crap - did I say that out loud?
on The Day The World Blew Away by OfaRevolutionAJD
2 Apr 2004, 5:25 PM
Five gallons in a ten gallon hat.
on ode to summer dreams by jsd
2 Apr 2004, 6:08 PM
"put a little love in this hole"
Thats Pr0n, right?
Thats Pr0n, right?
on some deleted poem
2 Apr 2004, 6:12 PM
Kinda got lost after the the cop called in the dogs, but it kept my interest, which is fairly amazing considering the amound of letters you made me sound out. Still, a ten in my book.
on Almost One by thepinkbunnyofdoom
2 Apr 2004, 8:47 PM
Why does this remind me of every song from 1976 to 1983?
on Summers Breath on my neck by unouluvme
2 Apr 2004, 8:53 PM
"green" once - certainly not three times.
summer[']s
summer[']s
on some deleted poem
2 Apr 2004, 8:57 PM
3 spelling errors - why? Four if you count "rumbled" which prolly shuld be "rumble"
This is almost good, but the "plethora" of heavy modifiers drags it down.
This is almost good, but the "plethora" of heavy modifiers drags it down.
on It Won't Last Long by Spindle
2 Apr 2004, 8:59 PM
Topical, I spose.
on Red Dress Wearing One Boot Cowboy by Lenore
2 Apr 2004, 9:00 PM
agreed, good title.
on some deleted poem
3 Apr 2004, 11:18 AM
I very much like "cursive rinds of cigarette smoke" - is that yours??
not sure stolid works in this context; it might attribute too much to the plow...
have a 10
not sure stolid works in this context; it might attribute too much to the plow...
have a 10
on some deleted poem
4 Apr 2004, 6:35 AM
loose "drinking blood" imho - it doesn't add anything, in fact the verb is weaker than the image I had in my head at the time - that's a key general point, btw.
In general, if you can't describe something better or different than what the reader's imagination will render - then don't.
Note that this is different than stating something that might be obvious to the reader in order to manipulate his standard thought process -
take William Carlos Williams example for this:
The Red Wheelbarrow
(William Carlos Williams )
so much depends
upon
a red wheel
barrow
glazed with rain
water
beside the white
chickens.
-------------
know what I mean, vern?
okay. I'll stop now.
have a nine, and not just for putting up with my spouting - its a good poem.
In general, if you can't describe something better or different than what the reader's imagination will render - then don't.
Note that this is different than stating something that might be obvious to the reader in order to manipulate his standard thought process -
take William Carlos Williams example for this:
The Red Wheelbarrow
(William Carlos Williams )
so much depends
upon
a red wheel
barrow
glazed with rain
water
beside the white
chickens.
-------------
know what I mean, vern?
okay. I'll stop now.
have a nine, and not just for putting up with my spouting - its a good poem.
Sounds good anyway though.