on A wicked rose grows in God's grapevine. by SupremeDreamer
31 Mar 2004, 8:12 PM
Try a version of this that isn't in the first person, see if you still buy it.
(I'm not saying you won't, but it might help refine the thought).
(I'm not saying you won't, but it might help refine the thought).
on Over Simplification by Richard
31 Mar 2004, 8:15 PM
prolly a good performance piece; it makes interesting sounds.
on some deleted poem
31 Mar 2004, 8:18 PM
"later " - layer?
on Watching The Rose Grow by Blindpoetry
31 Mar 2004, 8:19 PM
nicely and subtly rhymed.
EXCEPT HOBBY/LOBBY - god, fix that please.
EXCEPT HOBBY/LOBBY - god, fix that please.
on I Have A Love by Spindle
31 Mar 2004, 8:24 PM
(no title in body please).
Actually a little twist there in the second to last line. Sounds (the situation) so wonderful but then there is this little shadow of doubt (the quarreling).
Would be nice to exploit this more. Something like "He's so thoughtful and kind and everything is so wonderful except for the way he stares at my sister's ass when he thinks I don't see" kindof thing.
Actually a little twist there in the second to last line. Sounds (the situation) so wonderful but then there is this little shadow of doubt (the quarreling).
Would be nice to exploit this more. Something like "He's so thoughtful and kind and everything is so wonderful except for the way he stares at my sister's ass when he thinks I don't see" kindof thing.
on A Dangling Poo by zodiac
31 Mar 2004, 8:36 PM
Dust off the geetar, grab yer jamming buddy M.G. and you just might have a HIT - call your agent!
I gotta say though, nobody does the [browne] like -=DA=-
I gotta say though, nobody does the [browne] like -=DA=-
on some deleted poem
31 Mar 2004, 8:39 PM
Points for using formed verse - which is good cuz you need it to make up for life/strife.
on hands by New Life Drug
31 Mar 2004, 9:56 PM
Yeah, that works.
on Jesus-f-ingChrist I'm Sober by embersandenvelopes
1 Apr 2004, 3:31 PM
sheep is as sheep does. not baaaa-ahd.
on Finest Hour by creedclay
1 Apr 2004, 9:00 AM
not bad. a tad longer than it needs to be AND, I like to come to my own conclusions in a poem - without the author telegraphing what I should be perceiving.
Like telling me its a "picturesque scene" then proceeding to describe it to me. One or the other, preferrably the other.
Same thing with nature at its finest hour,
imparting a lesson in life - know what I mean, vern?
Like telling me its a "picturesque scene" then proceeding to describe it to me. One or the other, preferrably the other.
Same thing with nature at its finest hour,
imparting a lesson in life - know what I mean, vern?
on Shampoo and Condition by Luzr
1 Apr 2004, 10:21 AM
Wondering if you could somehow structure the thing to not sound like a shopping list of ennui; to flow a little better.
couple good lines, the starting one in particular. But there are a few things that nag, like why dress to impress when there is vomit on ones face?
I mean, other than the line _sounds_ cute - (maybe better in another poem, but then thats been done already I think).
There's prolly a very nice poem in here after a little distillation.
couple good lines, the starting one in particular. But there are a few things that nag, like why dress to impress when there is vomit on ones face?
I mean, other than the line _sounds_ cute - (maybe better in another poem, but then thats been done already I think).
There's prolly a very nice poem in here after a little distillation.
on Municipal park by richa
1 Apr 2004, 3:35 PM
Hmmm. Strong methinks - strong.
and "have" should be "have" - you knew that, right?
and "have" should be "have" - you knew that, right?
on some deleted poem
1 Apr 2004, 3:38 PM
I like this one quite a bit - can you loose the word "quest" though - maybe "exercise" instead?? (its actually possible you could loose the entire stanza...)
on some deleted poem
1 Apr 2004, 3:41 PM
okay. I like it.
on Leaves, hope and dreams by aliena
1 Apr 2004, 5:58 PM
hey aliena, good descriptors - now you just need to say something with them.
on some deleted poem
1 Apr 2004, 3:28 PM
From this a poem you shall make.
this is very good: "Under the white sheets your heat dripped onto mine and it wasn’t the
first time our bodily fluids combined
But it was the last time I wanted you near me"
this is very good: "Under the white sheets your heat dripped onto mine and it wasn’t the
first time our bodily fluids combined
But it was the last time I wanted you near me"
I think it might need more to bring it back to the human condition (cuz, well - its not really about bulls, is it?)