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A wicked rose grows in God's grapevine. (Free verse) by SupremeDreamer
The wind caresses my form as I stand still and supine, enduring the onslaught in apathy; an old wench mumbles in the distance, "Jesus would play with evil, as would a beast who toys with prey, scattering it across his fathers grapevine as dark petals from a wicked rose." Her words empty, like the wind, a whisper that does not want an answer; I answered in silence anyway. "So much for sin and sacred law; divinity is accepting evil and good as equals, mere mirrors of each other." God doesn't watch with eyes he has not, and his hold cannot grasp anything unless one manifests him with hands and fingers. So then, who really has the power? Faith and sacred beings are but a childs toy, a stuffed animal designed to comfort; can you believe the irony? Control takes form from the hands of men that yearn for things holy. As I would the wind- I stand before god as a still form, unrelenting. I have no need for a deity or its forgiveness, since there is no guilt in me for having faultered; I learn from mistakes, correcting my imperfections. My spirit does not avoid the beast that resides in me- I harness what it has to offer and turn blood into wine; soon I'll walk on water, my lips will drink the Nile dry, and I will live on even after my body has gone to rot. "Kings and Gods may feud, but their mighty armies and castles shall buckle before kneeling to the corrosion of time and the gentle touch of soft winds; their conflict an exercise in comic futility." Sun sets, and the wench slips away into quiet rest, the wind echoing her frail words; I linger and laugh at her riddle that begs not to be solved.

Up the ladder: systematic turbulence
Down the ladder: Blood

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Arithmetic Mean: 4.2
Weighted score: 4.904638
Overall Rank: 9790
Posted: September 10, 2003 7:37 AM PDT; Last modified: March 31, 2004 11:55 AM PST
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Comments:
[5] baughworm @ 24.145.234.130 | 31-Mar-04/2:30 PM | Reply
Some of your references seem a little to cliche. The wind always whispers and caresses. Everyone's spirit has a beast. Try some different language. Especially the first line. It was a bit of a turn off. The end was much better.
[n/a] SupremeDreamer @ 204.31.168.102 > baughworm | 31-Mar-04/7:28 PM | Reply
Well, I mentioned the wind just to set the scene, but I could have done that better aswell. As for some of my references being cliche, your somewhat correct- but im trying to get an idea across, and also allow the reader some flexibility in regards to interpretation. In other words, some slight amount of cliche in is better than having my verse becoming incomprehensible. Never-the-less the poem will be rewritten so it won't be confused with my ode "My Love, Futility", so I'll also fix up those cliche(s) you mentioned to the best of my ability. Thanks for your input, always appreciated.
[8] zodiac @ 152.30.60.207 | 31-Mar-04/3:16 PM | Reply
This is almost exactly the same poem as your last one, only not as good. I'd understand if you were trying to perfect the form, but then I'd be obliged to tell you you're not doing it very well.
[n/a] SupremeDreamer @ 204.31.177.117 > zodiac | 31-Mar-04/6:58 PM | Reply
Er, now before I go into a seemingly defensive posture, I want you to know that my rebuttal is not in response to your assesment of the poems quality, but to its theme/subject.

My last poem was a mockery of most folks need to feel empowered and in control, etc, and of some of the things people do to feel in control and not utterly helpless and insignificant.

The piece above deals with the metaphysical, another affront to the concept of theism- specifically theistic use of forgiveness, theism's definition of morality and its use as a strict guideline
for avoiding suffering. It also expresses my take on morality/sin/ and self-improvement of the spirit/mind. Course, that was my INTENTION to have the poem express all that, but its obvious that I've failed horribly- and that is why I agree with you when you say its not well done, and I can see how you got the idea that my ode and this poem were the same. (the third quotation in particular is probably where I screwed myself..)

Its backs to the drawing board with this piece. Thanks for your comment- you made it clear to me that the poem is crippled, and is in dire need of repair.
[8] zodiac @ 67.240.211.244 > SupremeDreamer | 31-Mar-04/7:11 PM | Reply
I withdraw my first comment on this one. I think I meant structurally, not thematically, but now I can't even see where I got that from.
[n/a] SupremeDreamer @ 204.31.168.102 > zodiac | 31-Mar-04/7:33 PM | Reply
Structurally? Well I can't see where you'd get that either, might have been a figment of your imagination lol. But revision will hopefully fix the problems I have with the piece.. honestly I wasn't that satisfied with it when I posted it.
[8] Shuushin @ 207.5.211.177 | 31-Mar-04/8:12 PM | Reply
Try a version of this that isn't in the first person, see if you still buy it.

(I'm not saying you won't, but it might help refine the thought).
[0] -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. @ 81.128.136.178 | 1-Apr-04/9:56 AM | Reply
God doesn't need eyes, you idiot. He's psychic. Jesu only made light on the third day, which means He made the Heaven and the Earth in the dark. Clearly the work of a psychic being. So far, I have discovered that Jesu has the following special moves:

- Psychic vision
- Invisibility
- Walking on water
- Gourd of healing, enabling Him to come back to life when slaughtered
- Transubstantiation (the ability to transform into a communion wafer)

Muslim only has the following special moves:

- Martyrdom
- Twin, face-mounted AK47s
- The Mysterious Ramamamadan Spell
[n/a] SupremeDreamer @ 204.31.171.191 > -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. | 1-Apr-04/12:38 PM | Reply
Bless you.. this attack on my piece relieves my desperate, depraved addiction for your brand of ranker spanking- its saltwater and arsenic injected straight into my jugular.

But on to the dance which follows:

In short, literal interpetation aside, I essentially said he can not know of all the sins a person commits daily unless he defines god as able to do so- AND THEN ALSO give him the power to know of all the "bad" things they do/think/unknowingly conspires to do, whether he wishes it or not.

And as for god manifesting light after creating heaven on earth in the dark:

How could he make light without some divine sense of "sight"? Even he would have to create a means to tell the difference between darkness and light to create them with the attributes that he had in mind in for them in his holy & sacred plans for the creation of Existence. If not, theres a good possibility god flipped on the light-switch to discover in supreme ironic chagrin that he didn't make earth a perfect sphere, but instead round with slight impressions/lumps dotting the surface! But since a deity of his perfection and power isn't able to make mistakes, he realizes that mountains are also a part of his plan!His extreme perfection caused him to manifest them without the need to be aware of it. Maybe thats why he is said to know of whats in store for everything and everyones destiny before it actually occurs...

And why would Jesu have just those specific abilities, since in theory (in the sense that he is equal to a deity) able to manifest any ability that his divine imagination comes up with? It all seems silly. Plus the destinctions aren't a real factor since I'm attacking theism in general (transendent, all-powerfull being who created man and set forth sacred rules he must abide, etc. Every form of theism applying their own lil details is irrelevant, because all such religions are built with the same core attributes that define religious theism.)

That is all- My feet have stopped their tapidy-tap-tap and have become still once again. I do hope you give me another brutal & potent fix soon in reply.
I couldn't be bothered to read most of your comment, since I couldn't be bothered to read most of your poeme. The only bit I did read was 'God doesn't watch with eyes he has not', and I only read that because it caught my eye as I was scanning through the guff. As for your earnest attack upon my list of special moves: you just don't get it, do you?
[n/a] SupremeDreamer @ 204.31.165.15 > -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. | 1-Apr-04/3:44 PM | Reply
The joke? or that you don't give a shit? Nah, I don't get it, and I'm not trying to. Maybe you should forgo the quiz and get on with what you seem to earnestly hint at, and just reveal the little factor that eludes me in my oblivion.

My "earnest" attack isn't anthing but empty blithering defense typed out so as to not pass the time in idle dawdling.
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