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Over Simplification (Free verse) by Richard
Slivers of measure turned to shavings by a carpenter’s hand. Internal tribulations inhibited and a valid recall authorized. Ash covered eye excretion, quiescent in a cold campfire. Wrongfully purchased items returned within thirty days, The residue crossed through, an old receipt refunded. Unrequited aspiration for earlier currency possessed, Dirty though they were, now gone to another’s hand. My wallet filled with brand new legal tender, I shall carry them folded, in my back pocket. i.e. That time of us- Anesthetized, I. Cascaded tears, fallen, cold ashes their haven. For this short time together, You, a mistake, wishfully erased. I long for her that preceded you, But she has moved on, So have I… Ergo Moments, begetting Painlessness, begetting Weeping, begetting Liaison, begetting Aftermath, begetting Oblivion, begetting Recovery, begetting Mending, begetting Solace.

Up the ladder: The Hot Job
Down the ladder: LOVE-ABOVE LISTE

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Arithmetic Mean: 6.0
Weighted score: 5.2689414
Overall Rank: 3850
Posted: March 31, 2004 12:26 PM PST; Last modified: March 31, 2004 12:26 PM PST
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Comments:
[7] SupremeDreamer @ 204.31.175.88 | 31-Mar-04/12:38 PM | Reply
The beginning being more padded and the middle/ending more minimalistic makes this a bit of an odd read.. plus its a little vague how the stanzas relate to each other. Seems like you wanted to embellish the first stanza, then along the way got lazy. Its promising though, I think you could build this into ace material.. then again, thats just my opinion.

A seven for now.
[n/a] Richard @ 172.147.73.143 > SupremeDreamer | 1-Apr-04/4:10 AM | Reply
Thanks, I'm a computer geek by trade and this poem is an attempt at reverse engineering. I started with the thought of a short-term bad relationship, previous girlfriend, and an emotional timeline. Just worked backward from there (I did use a thesaurus). It’s the same poem written 3 different ways hence the name.

Thanks for the comments!
[6] baughworm @ 24.145.234.130 | 31-Mar-04/2:26 PM | Reply
I agree. It needs more work, but good start
[7] zodiac @ 152.30.60.207 | 31-Mar-04/3:25 PM | Reply
Since joining poemranker, I've often noticed a tendency among posters criticized for writing cliches to make all their following posts entirely out of polysyllables, and I was wondering if you could explain to me why that is. All you've got now is a thesaurus-dependent gabble that would be absolutely hilarious read aloud, in addition to being (admittedly) about nothing or nothing new. The best line of this is made of common one- and two-syllable words. I bet you won't guess which one I mean.
[n/a] Richard @ 172.147.73.143 > zodiac | 1-Apr-04/4:03 AM | Reply
Take that to heart that they have realized the error of their Cliché ways. They are extending their vocabulary, trying to create the same meaning without using those selfsame words. It's a growing process.
You're making me think so don't get me wrong. But as humans we have 5 senses, 6 if you're psychic. I couldn't tell you the exact number of emotions we are capable of, but it's a finite number. More often than not poetry runs along those basic themes. But if you mean writing something new to the effect of "The French-Fries day off" or "My bicycle decided to ride me today" I'll work on it, seriously.
As far as the line goes, my favorite is Cascaded tears...

Thanks for the comments, keep up the good work Z!
[7] zodiac @ 67.240.192.19 > Richard | 1-Apr-04/4:40 AM | Reply
Building vocabulary does not mean the same thing as developing an original thought. Don't get the two confused. The most cliche poems here are ones that say things like "this disclosure leaves me elated, And simultaneously fills me with fear... it would not be pragmatically impactful." That's bullshit, just Shift-F7 on a crap poem, not meant to do anything but hide the fact that it's the same old stupidity. Don't believe me? Find what you consider the best poem ever and count the 1, 2, 3, and 4-syllable words.

My favorite was "I shall carry them folded, in my back pocket." Simple, rhythmic, semi-original, a nice use of a comma.
[8] Shuushin @ 207.5.211.177 | 31-Mar-04/8:15 PM | Reply
prolly a good performance piece; it makes interesting sounds.
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