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Summers Breath on my neck (Free verse) by unouluvme
As part of the swing, i feel, summers breath on my neck, stirring the hair that lays flat the taste of the sun, forcing my tounge out for cool air the smell of green water, that clings to my skin touch of the grass, now slightly yellowed, always under my fingertips but just out of reach, never close enough for me like a butterfly, slipping out of your hand like the last drop of water, never reaching your mouth like running, never reaching the moon the taste of the sun, the smell of green water, summers breath on my neck.

Up the ladder: sevenfourteenrobinson
Down the ladder: chunks

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Arithmetic Mean: 6.6666665
Weighted score: 5.4482355
Overall Rank: 2939
Posted: April 2, 2004 3:22 PM PST; Last modified: April 17, 2004 8:46 AM PDT
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Comments:
[8] Spindle @ 205.188.116.140 | 2-Apr-04/7:11 PM | Reply
mmmmmmmm :-) very nice. It makes me long for summer
[9] Shuushin @ 207.5.211.177 | 2-Apr-04/8:53 PM | Reply
"green" once - certainly not three times.

summer[']s
[n/a] unouluvme @ 64.105.104.91 | 5-Apr-04/5:23 PM | Reply
what word could i use on the "soon to turn green" instead of the word "green"
[9] Shuushin @ 207.5.211.177 | 17-Apr-04/9:22 AM | Reply
would be cool if u made this from the perspective of a small rodent.
[9] zodiac @ 67.240.192.43 | 18-Apr-04/5:53 AM | Reply
Not bad, really. "Summers" is "Summer's" of course. "Tounge" is "tongue". And "the hair that lays flat" should be "hair that lies flat" without the the.
[10] sliver @ 63.190.81.28 | 16-Jun-04/7:48 PM | Reply
Good image though, I guess you aren't as bad a poet as you think.
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