| Re: Missing a Line by peaceseeker |
11-Oct-04/6:42 AM |
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I think it'd be a more effective metaphor than similie. I could visualize it though.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
28-Apr-05/7:29 PM |
This has a couple good phrases in it, if you wanted to make it more poetic and less like a diary entry.
Maybe play s'more w/ these three lines:
He left with a bloody nose
and a "tissue for the road."
I care for him
but we're just faking comfort.
Somehow, it lacked the grace you gave to things.
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| Re: FREAKIN by celticskatermatt1 |
28-Apr-05/7:39 PM |
marshmallows
when spelled correctly
can still rhyme with cellos
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| Re: In the aspens by sliver |
28-Apr-05/7:47 PM |
nice. I like "We unwittingly spit on the history
Of souls stained like ours"
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| Re: Fingers Are Soldiers by somemorepoetry |
28-Apr-05/7:59 PM |
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| Re: L'Ãtoile by Shardik |
28-Apr-05/8:04 PM |
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| Re: Lost key for a hall-closet by zodiac |
28-Apr-05/8:09 PM |
Loved this part "Then she's tucked, like laundry wearing rumpled laundry,
in the old crotchless, scallops..."
I got the sexual undertone, though not the way you intended it; I was thinking the key was a metaphor for some masturbation tool at the end.
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| Re: Prayer For The Church by sliver |
28-Apr-05/8:27 PM |
What's outrageous?
Papal praise is
What's disgusting?
Condom bustin'
What's outrageous?
Celebate priests is
What's forbidden?
alter boy smitten
What do we want?
Condoms!
When do we want 'em?
Now!
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| Re: Walking Out by NoSage |
30-Apr-05/3:12 PM |
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submit this to an NA meditation book
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
30-Apr-05/3:16 PM |
wonder v/s "wounder" - wounded wondering?
intelligence v/s "intelligences"
swallowed v/s "swalloed"
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| Re: Sins of convenience by sunset sky |
30-Apr-05/3:18 PM |
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I liked it all, including last stanza.
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| Re: Requiem by ChaseValentine |
30-Apr-05/3:22 PM |
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Beautiful and full of resolve.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
29-Jul-05/10:39 PM |
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I like the juxtaposition of profanity/violence and vulnerability here. I always thought carrion was plural, like meat.
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| Re: a love not meant to be by nentwined |
29-Jul-05/10:45 PM |
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nice job- you really captured the simultaneous hope and awareness of flaws that we bring to relationships
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
8-Jan-06/6:49 AM |
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| Re: Toasting To Our Wedding Night by Beyond_Dreams |
8-Jan-06/6:50 AM |
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I almost didn't read because of the title, but it was worth it (both your choice of title and the read).
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| Re: The Healing Species by Dovina |
8-Jan-06/6:52 AM |
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intelligent, relevant, and well written
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| Re: We'll be right back after these messages by INTRANSIT |
8-Jan-06/6:18 PM |
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| Re: Birmingham gardens by INTRANSIT |
9-Jan-06/7:22 PM |
2nd to last line- sun's
These are excellent. It IS good to be like moss.
Are you still in transit? How do you find time to write so much? Do you drive around with a phrase in your head all day until you get to take a break, then scramble to get it on paper?
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
9-Jan-06/7:25 PM |
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