regarding some deleted poem...	27-Oct-03/11:16 AM
why "come to sleep" instead of "come to bed"? I am sure that you have a good reason. I like the title.
regarding some deleted poem...	27-Oct-03/11:20 AM
Retaliating huh? I respectfully disagree with your "hate the use, not the power" line. You must be feeling optimistic today, with your assumption that what America "could" be will be the future.
Re: The Gone-Too-Far Kitchen by ?-Dave_Mysterious-?	27-Oct-03/11:23 AM
nice and enjoyable, but you couldn't help but throw in a little wit, anyhow.
regarding some deleted poem...	27-Oct-03/4:33 PM
Ah, so, if this narrator happens to be you, (as with an earlier, seemingly related poem) I guess you broke down and fooled around in spite of your earlier (narrator's) belief that it could never happen. Sometimes, I think the potential for affairs to happen get fed by our frivolous attention to them in poetry- I mean, there's nothing like a poem to convince you that cheating is the right thing to do. Did you really think that after you wrote that other poem that you'd be able to resist? If you really don't want to go through with the cheating, I suggest that you tell your real partner, and have a laugh about the other person (the one who tempts you) and be done with it. Then if you start getting tempted to cheat, your partner will be aware of it and it will be harder to be sneaky. Not that you asked...
regarding some deleted poem...	27-Oct-03/4:41 PM
Pretty good, I liked all of the images you stuffed in there. The capitalization at the beginning of each line is a little distracting, however (did you just write it on word and the computer "helped" by capitalizing it all for you?). Fight it!
Re: The Right to Life by Retaliate	27-Oct-03/4:46 PM
herd is right, you heard right, right, they herd, right is heard. Nice little play on how the more visible debate obscures the real, massive scale issues.
Re: The Secret Jungle Keys by Y2kSlamPoet	27-Oct-03/4:50 PM
I think you made the metaphor a little too obvious- but it was, nevertheless, a good one. Make people think a little harder for it.
Re: Free reign by INTRANSIT	9-Nov-03/10:23 AM
I love the evolution of the horse and the desire of the horse/narrator and the way their changing is juxtaposed against the constant use of the words "let" and "horse"- which also change in meaning. I can't even suggest any improvements.
Re: Shouting at dogs by Bobjim	9-Nov-03/10:42 AM
Do you also enjoy firestarting, have problems with bedwetting? Just kidding. Cute. You should read the recent poem by Abecedarian, for a different presentation of dog.
Re: an early discovery (reworking) by richa	9-Nov-03/10:47 AM
Interesting twist to identify with the upright tree instead of the willow (especially in the willow's weather worn-ness), which most poets would probably prefer.
Re: I, The Lord by ilovecars131	9-Nov-03/10:53 AM
Interesting, but it seemed handicapped by arbitrary line breaks and the incessant capitalization of the beginning word of each line (damn the default "help" of word processing programs). For example, you made a choice, I assume, to not capitalize "lord", but then toward the end, lord was capitalized because it happened to fall as the first word of a line.
Re: A heart without keys by sliver	9-Nov-03/10:59 AM
need an apostrophe in "we're" in stanza 2, line 1. I noticed how the first stanza was telling the "you" of the good to come, like the narrator was rescuing the "you", but then in the second stanza, it was apparent that the narrator, too, planned to get something out of the relationship when you wrote "and you there with me" instead of "and me there with you". The last stanza seems to be about "you" again, because you say "fulfillment of your needs". This confusion added some depth to a title and subject that was dangerously close to the cliche. I wonder if you meant to do it, and if so, if you could make it more pronounced?
regarding some deleted poem...	9-Nov-03/11:03 AM
You make it sound so premeditated.
regarding some deleted poem...	9-Nov-03/11:07 AM
Liked the images of the third and fourth verses best, but it seems like your rhyme scheme is hindering a more meaningful expression of what you want to write.
Re: The Burial by Mona Lisa	9-Nov-03/11:11 AM
I liked it all except "windows of her soul", even though "soul" went with Black and soil. Maybe you could work in soul without the cliche.
Re: 7 Days of Suicide by dragonfly	9-Nov-03/11:23 AM
The oven isn't quite unused if you just made TV dinners, is it? I would allude to the smell of the TV dinners in the oven, "the mixed stink of Hungry Man meatloaf/potatoes/corn/brownie" to show that your narrator is serious enough to open the oven. I wouldn't toy around with train suicide stuff, see my poem "body image" for a fictionalized example of a true story. You know, it throws me off a little that there is no reason given for the suicide ideation, but maybe the reasons for suicide don't work for poetry because they seem too cliche. If this narrator is actually you, as a clinical social worker, I would recommend that you try to find someone to talk to about this stuff. It is usually difficult to get away from that kind of thinking alone, but it seems like you want to, or you wouldn't have told the poemranker audience about "your" (if it is your) suicidal thinking.
Re: Paper Bag Scenario by dragonfly	9-Nov-03/11:29 AM
Paper bags don't help in the matter of political dissimilarity. Are you talking about physical dissimilarity? It kind of works if you are going for a racial message, you know the preintegration history is that doormen at clubs used to hold up a brown paper bag next to a person of African origin, and if they were lighter than the bag, they could enter the club.
regarding some deleted poem...	20-Nov-03/5:59 PM
A good story. I know what you mean about the rock collectors, I once worked at a gymnasium that they rented for one of their conferences, weird bunch they are, they'll talk both ears off if you don't think of a good excuse to get away fast. This reminds me of an interesting adolescent fiction novel called Holes that I just read with one of my child clients.
Re: Reconstruction by andrewjthomas	26-Jan-04/7:18 PM
Beautiful and dramatic. I can't recommend any changes to its present form. 10
Re: Lullaby by Goad	26-Jan-04/7:34 PM
I think that revealing that it is a dream right away seems apologetic, I would leave those references out until "when I woke up". The pig's ear pouch and the beginning of S3 were my favorites. Maybe I am missing the whole point but "Now I'm gonna sing you a lullaby so at least I'll have something" doesn't seem to work, maybe 'at least we'll have something" or "Now I'm gonna sing me a lullaby"... I got the song reference, but you are singing it for the "you" so how will you have "something". Anyhow, I thoroughly enjoyed it. - 10