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Requiem

Member since 2005 · Posted 29 Apr 2005 · 3 comments

I've chopped off all my East Coast hair scattering it like hayseed on tilled ground. Curls caught in Bay winds kindle the Arizona brush fires that paint deserts golden pink. Whirling tangles stir up tornadoes from Oklahoma to Ohio, settling into kinky Texarkana tumbleweeds. A dizzy Delilah, no Sampson in sight; I've shorn myself for summer, soft waves now ebb above my forehead, so you will have nothing to hold on to when I run.

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mean 7.50 weighted 5.67 rank 2023 views 187 View voting details →

8 votes so far. Yours would make 9.8 votes so far

3 comments

[10] zodiac 29-Apr-05/4:47 AM Reply

The line "that paint deserts golden pink" doesn't seem connected to any of the rest of the poem. And I don't even know if it's true.

"Settling" should probably be "settle".

Samson and Delilah doesn't really fit, since you're getting your hair cut (i.e., you're Samson) but it's not making you weak (i.e., like it did Samson).

The last two lines are great and well-broken. Make the two lines leading into them stronger. You don't need to say "I've shorn myself for the summer" for so long, since you've already said it and better. Think of something else. -10-.

[10] http://mulberryfairy 30-Apr-05/3:22 PM Reply

Beautiful and full of resolve.

[8] Dovina 1-May-05/4:52 PM Reply

Overwritten, for effect no doubt, but the last lines are good.